Depravity

Oh God, oh my God.

Here's where I stand.

Removed and cursed.

Where is Your holy communion now.

There is no turning back.

I won't be back.

There is no turning back.

I won't be back.

Ending prayer:

I'm clinging loosely to prayers, that lately, I feel as if have fallen upon deaf ears.

Where are You? Where are You as my faith waivers?

Where are You in this blinding haze?

And where were You?

Where were You when I would seek to find joy in my trials and found no peace?

Where were You when I did not doubt Your love but could not feel it?

And why won't You answer me?

Why won't Your presence pierce this deafening silence I have been screaming through for so long.

For so long my voice has grown weary in Your absence.

For where Your voice once spoke so clearly there are no words.

The cup You once filled so abundantly has run dry.

And where Your light once led so assuredly I feel so unguided.

Still I press on.

For I have felt You in the past guiding me in my desire to change.

Finding a path through falling tears, it seems I have turned my back and walked away.

Seeing my reflection and not recognizing my own face, not knowing why You've allowed me to get here.

Though there was a time when the weight of Your reality brought me to my knees.

When my shame and my convictions found my heart crying out for change.

When trying times gave way to white seasons.

And my fears would flee the resounding sound of Your heart beating within my chest.

Your blood coursing through my veins purifying and breathing life into this lifeless body.

It now seems as though I have let the sun set on that season.

The world You freed me from now crushes me under its heel.

And this flesh your Spirit once cleansed is now crawling.

Festering.

Rotting from the inside.

Numb to your touch.

Calloused. Closed off.

I feel alone and overlooked.

I don't know if I'll ever find my way back.