A Christmas Song

So many presents, so little time

Santa won't be coming

By my house this year

'Cause I tried to drown my sister

And I pierced my ear

Oh mama made it perfectly clear

Santa don't like bad boys

Especially Jewish ones

Skanif-kanof and Lego blocks

Are what I desire

So, why'd I have to set

The pizza guy's hair on fire

I told him I was sorry, I'm a liar

So, no toys for me

I don't deserve 'em

I couldn't wait for a big wheel

As the holiday neared

But then I told my grandma

That she had a beard

(speaking) Dear Santa,

I know what my problem is

Why I can't be good

It's a fear of intimacy

You see, my whole life

Whenever I've met someone

really great like you and,

I keep feeling

I'm getting too close to them

Something inside me

Makes me want to screw it up

So in a weird way

The reason I'm so bad is because

I love you so much Santa

Rock 'em, Sock 'em robots

Is what I was hopin' for

But then I made a death threat

To Vice President Gore

Oh Santa won't be knockin' on my door

'Cause he's a big fat whore

What made me say that!?

Chutes and Ladders

Would be so good indeed

So why's I have to sell

That cop a bag of weed

So Santa please give me

My Easy Bake Oven

I swear I thought Billy goats

Were made for lovin'

So Santa won't you

Accept my appoligies

Santa can't you see

I'm beggin' you please

Oh Santa, next year

I'll do you right

Live from New York

It's Saturday Night