The Goat Song

I am a simple goat

I live on the back of a pick-up truck

The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope

Am I happy he don't give a fuck

He's filled with anger, and filled with rage

And tells me I smell like piss

His drink, Jimmy Bean

His chaser, a bear

After that, various alcohols

That's when the beatings get so severe

Asleep I pray he falls

But don't feel sorry for me

Things weren't always this bad

Why, when I was a young talking goat

The Old Man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe

That's where I met the Old Man

He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions

He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks

And he said, "Hey Goat!

Would you like to live with me?

I've got a house with a pick-up truck

In a place across the sea"

I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family

You seem like a nice guy"

So we went off to America

The home of the apple pie

On the boat, the Old Man told me

I would be a present for his wife

"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,

"She'd never seen this in her life"

I felt so special!

Well, I just couldn't believe it

After all theses years I finally had a friend

He trimmed my beard

He scraped my hooves

I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house

There was no wife

Only a short, short letter

It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher

Because he fucks me better"

His eyes filled with tears of sadness

His heart was filled with grief

To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad

And beat me like a side of beef

I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"

He just shook his head and said, "Nope!

No one will ever leave me again

To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."

Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years

My only friend is the AM radio

Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by

But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat

They gather around to hear what I have to say

But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long

So they leave and giggle I need a bidet

But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck

When the Old Man was passed out drunk

Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert

The kind of music, old-school funk

It was the first time I got off the truck

The music made me lose control

The lead singer asked if we were having fun

I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"

The women at the show were beautiful

As they danced sexily on the soft grass

One of them even petted my fur

Fuck me in the goat-ass!

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns

And threw me in the mosh pit

They passed me around and treated me nie

Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit

Then the music stopped

And everything was quite

And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot

Kill the goat!

Kill the goat!

Kill the goat!

Kill the goat!

They chased me under the bleachers

They chased me onto the street

They chased me into an alley

And said I was a dead fucking goat meat

But then I saw a sight

That I never thought I'd see

The Old Man swinging his hickory stick

But he wasn't swinging at me

"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!

Don't you press your luck!"

The long hairs ran away screaming

As I scrambled onto the truck

When we got home, the Old Man said,

"Goat, you broke the sacred law

No! Please! Sorry! Shit!

I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again

I'll break your fucking jaw!"

Super! Great! Okay!

"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life

Thank you again and again

You could have let them barbeque me,

But you acted like a friend"

"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you

I'm just not drunk," he said

To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol

And beat the fucking shit out of my head

(Ow, Ow! You're hurting me old man!)

That night I served a concussion

Deep inside my goat brain.

I still cannot feel my tailbone

And I'll probably never walk straight again

I guess you'd call me a scapegoat

A punching bag for the Old Man to mock

Just because his wife left him

For his brother's abnormally large cock

He could have been my buddy

But instead he's a crazy old fuck

And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home

The back of the pick-up truck

Goodnight, Old Man!

Yeah, goodnight Goat!