The Talkin' Song Repair Blues

The mechanic raised up from under my hood

He shook his head and said, "This ain't good

Your timin' belt's done shrunk one size too small

Those spark plug wires are a little too long

And your main prodsponder's nearly gone

Your injector ports are stripped and that ain't all"

"The torque converter's runnin' low on torque

And that water pump's nearly down a quart

But we caught it all in time so you're in luck"

He said, "I've got the time and I've got the parts

Just give me the word and I'm ready to start

I think we can bring her in for eight hundred bucks"

But don't be downhearted, I can fix it for you, sonny

It won't take too long, it'll just take money

Then he said, "Ain't you that songwriter guy?"

I said, "Yes, I am," he said, "So am I"

And he sat down and played me a song by the grease rack

When he finished singin' he gave me a smile

And I closed my eyes and pondered awhile

And he said, "What do you think?

Now don't hold nothin' back"

Well, I gave him my most sorrowful look

And I said, "This song's got a broken hook

I can order you a new one from Nashville but it won't be cheap

And I know you've been using a cut-rate thesaurus

'Cause your adverbs have backed up into your chorus

Now your verse is runnin' on verbs that are way too weak"

But don't be downhearted, I can fix it for you, sonny

It won't take too long, it'll just take money

And I said, "Hold on friend now I'm not through

I hate to be the one to give you the news

But your whole melodic structure's worked itself loose

It's got so many dotted eighth notes in it

I'd keep her under fifty beats per minute

I mean, that's just me talkin', it's really up to you"

And you've got a bad safety problem with

That dominant chord with the augmented fifth

Just see how dangerously high it raises you up

So just go on over there and work on my car

I'll sit here by the fan and chances are

I can straighten this thing out for eig...nine hundred bucks"

But don't be downhearted, I can fix it for you, sonny

It won't take too long

You guessed it

It may be a hit

I like it