The Drinking Man's Diet

Oh, I'm on the Drinking Man's Diet,

It came from a book I was loaned.

It's really terrific and quite scientific

And I'm half stoned.

For breakfast some cornflakes and vodka,

But cornflakes have carbohydrate;

So I don't eat those fattening cornflakes,

I eat the vodka straight.

Drink, drink, everyone drink;

It's not as bad as we used to think.

With every Manhattan your stomach will flatten,

So drink, drink, drink.

The Air Force invented this diet,

A fact which they hotly deny.

Of course they deny it, 'cause this is the diet

That got the Air Force high.

For lunch you can have three martinis,

What better lunch is there than that?

But caution: do not eat the olives,

'Cause olives make you fat.

Drink, drink, everyone drink;

It's not as bad as we used to think.

If pounds you would burn off, then turn on your Smirnoff,

And drink, drink, drink.

For dinner, a nice Scotch and soda

Now that oughtta help you to lose.

No whipped cream, no butter, just lay in the gutter

And booze, booze, booze.

Suppose you should meet a policeman,

Who says you've been quenching your thirst;

You just tell him it's physical fitness

And health comes first!

Drink (hic!), drink (hic!), booze everywhere (hic!);

Pass that decanter of bourbon there.

I'm fatter than ever, but here's what's so clever:

I don't care!