Dear Daily Mail

Dear Daily Mail

It has come to my recent attention

That my recent appearance at Glastonbury Festival's

Kindly received a mention

I was doing a number of things on that stage up

To and including singing songs (like you do)

But you chose to ignore that and instead

You published a feature review of my boob

Dear Daily Mail

There’s a thing called a search engine

Use it!

If you’d googled my tits in advance you’d have found

That your photos are hardly exclusive

In addition you state that my breast had escaped

From my bra like a thief on the run

You do you know that it wasn’t attempting

To just take in the rare british sun?

Dear Daily Mail

It’s so sad what you tabloids are doing

Your focus on debasing women’s appearances

Ruins our species of humans

But a rag is a rag and far be it from me

To go censoring anyone, oh no

It appears that my entire body

Is currently trying to escape this kimono

Dear Daily Mail

You misogynist pile of twats

I’m tired of these baby bumps

Vadge flashes, muffintops

Where are the newsworthy cocks?

If Iggy or Jagger or Bowie go topless

The news barely causes a ripple

Blah blah blah, feminist

Blah blah blah, gender shit

Blah blah blah

Oh my god nipple

Dear Daily Mail

You will never write about this night

I know that because I’ve addressed you directly

I’ve made myself no fun to fight

But thanks to the internet people

All over the world can enjoy this discourse

And commune with a roomful of people in London

Who aren’t drinking kool-aid like yours

And though there be millions of people

Who’ll accept the cultural bar where you have it at

There are plenty of others who’re perfectly willing

To see breasts in their natural habitat

I keenly anticipate your highly literate

Coverage of upcoming tours

Dear Daily Mail

Up yours