Garforth

Estate Agent : Garforth!

Is only ten miles away

But across the social divide

A gulf a thousand miles wide

Young Viv : Garforth!

If it's as good as they say

Then to Garforth we will go forth

Estate Agent : The Shangri-La of the North

Young Viv : Garforth!

We're going way upper-class

And if anyone doubts us

We'll show them our brass

Estate Agent : There's the new estate

Young Viv : We can hardly wait

All : We/You will be happy in Garforth

Young Viv : Where our money won't cause a buzz

All : We/You will be happy in Garforth

Young Viv : They've all got a woman who does

'Cos it's considered demeaning

To do your own cleaning

In Garforth

Keith : Garforth!

I can't believe this is real,

Ev'ryone's so terribly nice,

Their kids would never get lice.

Garforth!

Is what is known as genteel.

They're dead bleedin' posh when they talk,

They eat their cake with a fork.

Garforth!

Nobody works down the mine.

They're too busy all

Knocking back fancy French wine,

Eating, if you please

Pineapple with cheese.

Young Viv : Vol-au-vents!

Estate Agent : You will be happy in Garforth

Where a life can never be hard.

You will be happy in Garforth

Keith : The bog isn't in the backyard

Estate Agent : I should think not!

Instead the grass is a-growing

They never stop mowing,

In Garforth.

Estate Agent : Mr Nicholson, Mrs Nicholson.

Have a look at our show house,

Detached and enormous.

Through here, and now maybe you'd like a,

Peek at the kitchen;

The builders inform us

It's genuine, solid Formica

Is it to your liking, madam, sir?

Young Viv : We'll take it! All the furniture andthe bits and pieces, the lot. It's huge.

Keith : Viv! Look at size of that garden! You could fit ahundred head of cattle in it.

Young Viv : And I know what to call it.

Young Viv/Keith/Viv : Ponderosa!

Neighbours : Garforth!

Is like its own little niche,

I'm afraid their faces don't fit.

They're both as vulgar as shit.

Upstarts!

The pair are so nouveau riche;

Flashy, trashy, brash as they come,

They stick out like a sore thumb.

Standards

Are what we try to maintain.

If you let standards drop values go down the drain.

See the neighbourhood,

Buggered up for good.

Young Viv : I've got a house that is bigger than yours,

Buy all me gear at the fanciest stores;

That is the thing really sticks in your craws.

Well, if you don't like it then lump it.

I've got an au pair, a nanny, a maid.

Look at me sofa, Italian suede

I drive a Chevrolet, I made the grade,

So don't show your face or I'll thump it.

Neighbours : Strumpet!

Viv : We'll be unhappy in Garforth,

Where they're always cleaning their cars.

We'll be unhappy in Garforth,

You'd think we just landed from Mars.

When people turn up their noses,

It's no bed of roses

If they keep on making a fuss,

We'll be unhappy in Garforth.

Viv/Keith/Young Viv : And we will make damn sure that

Garforth

For certain

Behind its net curtain

Is bloody unhappy with us!