Fright Of Their Lives

[Betelgeuse]

Okay

Listen up, I'm not gonna lie

Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly

Or scare a seagull off of a fry

You ever stop to ask yourselves, why?

Both of you are super polite

Middle class, suburban, and white

Well, all of that is finished tonight

Except for the white part

Obviously

Take your places

I want scary faces

Now go!

Bigger

Further

Harder

Not bad

Sever a head

Preferably someone you know

[Barbara]

Look at me, I'm so scary

[Betelgeuse]

Don't be so vanilla

Would a little anger kill ya?

C'mon, drop your panties

I'm trying to fill you

With wisdom and skill

And the instinct to kill

[Adam]

Again, we do not want to kill anyone

[Betelgeuse]

Fine!

But somehow, someway

You gotta make 'em see ya'

I'm talkin' jumpscares

The jerky Japanese ghost-walk

Plus

Learn to throw your voice

Fool your friends

Fun at parties

[Adam]

Now THAT is cool!

I wanna do that!

[Betelgeuse]

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

Raising the stakes by punching a baby

Scare 'em awake till they break

They'll be quaking in fright

'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you

Put all the farmer's markets behind you

You've gotta work

Gotta haunt till it hurts

Through the night

And give those guys the fright of their lives

Yeah yeah!

[Betelgeuse]

Let's start with things that you hate

[Adam]

Well, hate's a very strong word

[Barbara]

Perhaps when people are late

[Adam]

Or getting pooped on by birds

[Betelgeuse]

No, what fills you with rage?

[Barbara]

Being mean to a pet

[Adam]

Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette

[Barbara]

Over-glutinous food

[Adam]

Or when kids call me dude

[Barbara]

Oh, I find that so rude!

[Betelgeuse]

Well, there's lots there to use

Take a deep breath

And give me your best primal scream

[Barbara]

Aaaah!

[Adam]

Barbara, that was brilliant!

[Barbara]

Really?

[Betelgeuse]

Try it again

Maybe this time pretend like you mean it

[Barbara]

Aaah!

[Adan]

That was even better!

[Barbara]

Thanks!

[Betelgeuse]

I want freedom

But to get my freedom I need them

To get a living person to say my name

[Adam and Barbara]

Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse?

[Betelgeuse]

I know that beggars can't be choosers

But do they have to be such losers?

Both of them are deathly dull and lame

[Adam and Barbara and choir]

Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse

[Betelgeuse]

Why God, slash Satan, did you send these bed wetters?

Even, like, a tax attorney would've been better

Somebody with gravitas

Somebody to fear who-

[Adam]

Excuse me, Mr. Betelgeuse

We can kind of hear you

[Betelgeuse]

Yeah?

Well that was a soliloquy so you're the one who's being rude

Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy

[Barbara]

Turn all the lights on

[Adam]

Dress like a baby

[Betelgeuse]

Adam, I don't even- No

Get your heads in the game

[Adam and Barbara]

Let's hide their phones

[Betelgeuse (Adam and Barbara)]

Screw their phones!

Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless

How will I ever survive?

Unless they get the fright of their lives

(Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it!)

They gotta get the fright of their lives

(We're scary, very very scary!)

They'll never get the fright of their lives

(Yeah!)

Ugh