The Bells Of Hell

I met her in the strand

Readin' books to beat the band

We got talkin' about the tropic of capricorn

And all the things therein

Includin' sex and drugs and gin

So i asked her if she'd fancy a libation?

She said she didn't mind

She was just out killin' time

Her husband wouldn't be home 'til the morning

"is that a fact?" says i,

"i got the very place in mind"

So we went waltzin' off down to the bells of hell

There were drinks and eyebrows raised

When we stepped into the haze

Every blaggard at the bar was gettin' plastered

And mentally undressin'

My love's yves st. laurent fashions

I could tell that i was treadin' on disaster

Ah, malachy, me dear,

What kind of joint are you runnin' here

There's a fellah in a dress givin' me the once over

"my good man have no fear

That's a bishop from the county clare

Everyone's welcome down the bells of hell."

Lester bangs is on the floor

And there's a couple of seventh avenue whores

Explaining life to billy altman in the corner

Dennis duggan's in a suit

And nancy whiskey's on the jukebox

Peter myers is cuttin' loose down the bells of hell.

There's a band in the back room

With a wild man playin' the moog synthesizer

Like he's screwin' a couple of banshees

And a red haired bollocks with glasses

Ah, he's beatin' the bejaysus

Out of some poor innocent guitar, that place was crazy.

They were singin' "the girl next door"

When my love said "aren't they just adorable

The red haired one suggested something interesting, if rather intimate."

Just then the bishop in the dress

Took me in a firm embrace

And i passed out cold down at the bells of hell

When i returned from space

Nick tosches was moistenin' my face

Lookin' pleased as punch, i knew exactly what that fellah'd been up to

My love looked like a mess

She was fixin' up her dress

Nick winked, "hey, kid, you'll write a song about this someday when you're sober"

It was gettin' on for dawn

She said, "i think my husband will be home

But thank you for such a literary evening."

"you're very welcome, dear, please come again

We always do the best we can

Everyone's coming down the bells of hell."

I wish i could go back down to the bells of hell

Ah, malachy, take me back down to the bells of hell.