Hurting Myself

Just because I survived

Doesn't make me stronger

I don't feel like a survivor

I feel like Frankenstein's monster

Artificially alive

With shackles stapled to my ankles

Carrying weights that aren’t mine

With a body torn and tangled

I am still alive, just like a cockroach

Hiding underneath your sink

I survived but not on purpose

And what do I have to show for it?

A repertoire of sorry songs

And calloused fingers playing chords

I write and write with no prevail

I have a backpack full of rocks, but all the rocks build up in time

And whilst I know they're mine to carry, they were never really mine

I have to bear your heavy burden, have to bear it and survive

But, God, I can’t keep pushing rocks up hills when they keep rolling down

So I'm staying in my dirt hole

Like an ostrich saving face

Leave my tossed out dirty clothes around

Like a makeshift bed

And if I curl up in the corner

To cry until I sleep

That’ll be another question

I’ll avoid and then repeat

Not saving myself for anyone

I'm saving you from me

'Cause I'm as toxic as a wasteland

And as awful as can be

I'm like candy good in portions

But I'll carve holes in your teeth

And I'll smother all your organs

Till you grow tired of me

I have a chain that jinge jangles all the way home to my bed

And if my body's scarred and mangled, that means I'm making progress

I know moving on will hurt and holy fuck, it hurts like hell

But, God, I can’t push rocks up hills without hurting myself