Motorpsycho Nightmare

I pounded on a farmhouse

Lookin' for a place to stay.

I was mighty, mighty tired,

I had gone a long, long way.

I said, "Hey, hey, in there,

Is there anybody home?"

I was standin' on the steps

Feelin' most alone.

Well, out comes a farmer,

He must have thought that I was nuts.

He immediately looked at me

And stuck a gun into my guts.

I fell down

To my bended knees,

Saying, "I dig farmers,

Don't shoot me, please!"

He cocked his rifle

And began to shout,

"You're that travelin' salesman

That I have heard about."

I said, "No! No! No!

I'm a doctor and it's true,

I'm a clean-cut kid

And I been to college, too."

Then in comes his daughter

Whose name was Rita.

She looked like she stepped out of

La Dolce Vita.

I immediately tried to cool it

With her dad,

And told him what a

Nice, pretty farm he had.

He said, "What do doctors

Know about farms, pray tell?"

I said, "I was born

At the bottom of a wishing well."

Well, by the dirt 'neath my nails

I guess he knew I wouldn't lie.

"I guess you're tired,"

He said, kinda sly.

I said, "Yes, ten thousand miles

Today I drove."

He said, "I got a bed for you

Underneath the stove.

Just one condition

And you go to sleep right now,

That you don't touch my daughter

And in the morning, milk the cow."

I was sleepin' like a rat

When I heard something jerkin'.

There stood Rita

Lookin' just like Tony Perkins.

She said, "Would you like to take a shower?

I'll show you up to the door."

I said, "Oh, no! no!

I've been through this before."

I knew I had to split

But I didn't know how,

When she said,

"Would you like to take that shower, now?"

Well, I couldn't leave

Unless the old man chased me out,

'Cause I'd already promised

That I'd milk his cows.

I had to say something

To strike him very weird,

So I yelled out,

"I like Fidel Castro and his beard."

Rita looked offended

But she got out of the way,

As he came charging down the stairs

Sayin', "What's that I heard you say?"

I said, "I like Fidel Castro,

I think you heard me right,"

And ducked as he swung

At me with all his might.

Rita mumbled something

'Bout her mother on the hill,

As his fist hit the icebox,

He said he's going to kill me

If I don't get out the door

In two seconds flat,

"You unpatriotic, Rotten doctor Commie rat."

Well, he threw a Reader's Digest

At my head and I did run,

I did a somersault

As I seen him get his gun

And crashed through the window

At a hundred miles an hour,

And landed fully blast

In his garden flowers.

Rita said, "Come back!"

As he started to load

The sun was comin' up

And I was runnin' down the road.

Well, I don't figure I'll be back

There for a spell,

Even though Rita moved away

And got a job in a motel.

He still waits for me,

Constant, on the sly.

He wants to turn me in

To the F.B.I.

Me, I romp and stomp,

Thankful as I romp,

Without freedom of speech,

I might be in the swamp.