How to get Depressed

Beginning with the basics, you sit right down

And give a lot of thought to yourself.

If any higher value should cross your mind,

Consider the state of your health.

Think of what that strange little cough could mean

And what you should have said to that jerk.

Start with the assumption that something's wrong

And anything you think of will work.

Make a list of who's slighted you and all the things it's too late to do.

Think of all your mistakes and how little difference you make.

You're halfway there.

Don't be like the amateurs who waste their time

Counting up the bad breaks they've known.

Use your time efficiently and call to mind

All of the good breaks you've blown.

Think of all those chances for happiness -

Chances that only knock once.

Watch the clock and remind yourself

How the days keep turning to months.

Judge people that you never met

Watch the news every chance you get

Spend your mornings inside

Keep defending your pride

You're almost there.

Think about those sneaky middle-eastern creeps

Think about your backstabbing friends

Sit around remembering the good old days

Life was so much simpler then

If right now someone's heart is reaching out to you

Shut it hard away from your mind

You know you're prob'ly to cool for her

He's gonna suck up your time.

Think of Hemingway, Monroe and van Gogh

Remind yourself of how the great ones go.

Geniuses don't ask for help.

You're kind of brilliant yourself.

There you are.