Merry Christmas Asshole

You got drunk at my birthday party

And passed out in the cake

But not before you asked my boss' wife

If her boobs were fake

We spent a week in the Poconos

You let my car roll off the pier

Merry Christmas, asshole

You've ruined another year

You threw away my uncle's mint condition baseball cards

When your brother's old RV broke down

You let him park it in our yard

At a picnic you stuffed dollar bills

Into my great aunt's brazier

Merry Christmas, asshole

You've ruined another year

Another year is gone, gone

Say goodbye to all the trouble we had

But I wonder what you'll do

To make sure next year's just as bad

You ordered fifty pairs of boots

And you used my bank account

You took your bonus to the dog races

And lost the entire amount

Then you resigned so you could work

Full time on your animal balloon career

Merry Christmas, asshole

You've ruined another year

You got a tattoo of my name

You didn't spell it right

I had to bail you out of jail on our anniversary night

Then we got kicked out of the restaurant

Because you broke their chandelier

Merry Christmas, asshole

You've ruined another year