I'll Never Tell

Anya:

This is the man

That I plan to entangle

Isn't he fine?

My claim to fame

Was to maim and to mangle

Vengeance was mine

But I'm out of the biz

The name I made I'll trade for his

The only trouble is...

I'll never tell

Xander:

She is the one

She's such wonderful fun

Such passion and grace

Warm in the night

When I'm right in her tight -

Embrace, tight embrace!

I'll never let her go

The love we've known can only grow

There's just one thing that - no

I'll never tell

Xander and Anya:

'Cause there's nothing to tell

Anya:

He snores

Xander:

She wheezes

Anya:

Say 'housework' and he freezes

Xander:

She eats these skeezy cheeses

That I can't describe

Anya:

I talk

He breezes

Xander:

She doesn't know what 'please' is

Anya:

His penis got diseases

From a Chumash tribe

Xander and Anya:

The vibe gets kind of scary

Xander:

Like she thinks I'm ordinary

Anya:

Like it's all just temporary

Xander:

Like her toes are kind of hairy

Xander and Anya:

But it's all very well

'Cause god knows, I'll never tell

Anya:

When things get rough, he

Just hides behind his Buffy

Now look - he's gettin' huffy

'Cause he knows that I know

Xander:

She clings

She's needy

She's also really greedy

She never -

Anya:

His eyes are beady

Xander:

This is my verse! Hello?

She -

(tempo changes, Anya dances)

Anya: (spoken)

Look at me! I'm dancin' - crazy!

(Xander joins in - dance break continues)

Xander and Anya:

You know

Xander:

You're quite the charmer

Anya:

My knight in armor

Xander:

You're the cutest of the Scoobies

With your lips as red as rubies

And your firm yet supple -

Tight embrace!

(dance break - fast then slow)

Anya:

He's swell

Xander:

She's sweller

Anya:

He'll always be my feller

Xander:

That's why I'll never tell her

That I'm petrified

Anya:

I've read this tale

There's wedding, then betrayal

I know that come the day

I'll want to run and hide

Anya and Xander:

I lied

I said it's easy

I've tried

But there's these fears I can't quell

Xander:

Is she looking

For a pot of gold?

Anya:

Will I look good

When I've gotten old?

Xander:

Will our lives become too stressful

If I'm never that successful?

Anya:

When I get so worn and wrinkly

That I look like David Brinkley?

Xander:

Am I crazy?

Anya:

Am I dreamin'?

Xander:

Am I marrying a demon?

Xander and Anya:

We could really raise the beam

In makin' marriage a hell

So thank god, I'll never tell

I swear that I'll never tell

Xander:

My lips are sealed

Anya:

I take the fifth

Xander:

Nothin' to see

Move it along

Xander and Anya:

I'll never...

Tell!