The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Tv

I love words

I thank you for hearing my words

I want to tell you something about words that I think is important

They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion

Words are all we have, really

We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, y'know like, woo woo woo woo, POP!

Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought

So be careful with words

I like to think that yeah, the same words that hurt can heal

It's a matter of how you pick them

There are some people that aren't into all the words

There are some that would have you not use certain words

Yeah, there are 400, 000 words in the English language

And there are 7 of them that you can't say on television

What a ratio that is!

399, 993 to 7. They must really be bad

They'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large

All of you over here, you 7, bad words!

That's what they told us they were, remember?

That's a bad word!

No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words!

You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television?

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

Those are the heavy seven

Those are the ones that'll infect your soul

Curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits, wow!

And tits doesn't even belong on the list, y'know? Man!

That's such a friendly sounding word

It sounds like a nickname, right?

Hey, Tits, come here, man

Hey! Hey Tits, meet Toots

Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots

It sounds like a snack, doesn't it?

Yes, I know, it is a snack

But I don't mean your sexist snack!

I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, C

Orn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits

Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

That's true, I usually switch off

But I mean, that word does not belong on the list

Actually none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there

I'm not completely insensitive to people's feelings

I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like cocksucker and motherfucker

Those are heavyweight words

There's a lot going on there

Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling

I mean, they're just busy words

There's a lot of syllables to contend with

And those Ks, those are aggressive sounds

They just jump out at you like

" CoCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer

CoCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer

It's like an assaualt on you

So I can dig that

We mentioned shit earlier

And 2 of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are piss and cunt

Which go together of course

A little accidental humor there

The reason that piss and cunt are on the list is because a long time ago

There were certain ladies that said: Those are the two I am not going to say

I don't mind fuck and shit but P and C are out

Which led to such stupid sentences as: Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinkle now

And, of course, the word fuck

I don't really, well that's more accidental humor

I don't wanna get into that now because I think it takes too long

But I do mean that, I think the word fuck is a very important word

It's the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often

People much wiser than I am have said

I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love

Than two people trying to kill one another

I, of course, can agree

It is a great sentence

I wish I knew who said it first

I agree with that but I like to take it a step further

I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with

Okay, Sheriff, we're gonna fuck you now, but we're gonna fuck you slow

So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word

I hope so

Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any circumstances

You just cannot say them ever ever ever

Not even clinically

You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny

I mean, it is just impossible

Forget those 7

They're out

But there are some 2-way words

Those double-meaning words

Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade?

And the cock crowed three times

Hey, the cock crowed 3 times

Ha ha ha ha

Hey, it's in the Bible

Ha ha ha ha

There are some 2-way words, like it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say

Roberto Clemente has 2 balls on him

But he can't say, I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony

DOn't you? He's holding them

He must've hurt them, by God

And the other 2-way word that goes with that one is prick

It's okay if it happens to your finger

You can prick your finger but don't finger your prick

No, no