I'm Afraid To Talk To Men

Ooh yeah, c'mon, yeah

I'm afraid to talk to men

I was raised with girls

I'm afraid if I talk to men I'll look at their dicks

It's not that I want to

I'm just afraid I'm going to

Do we talk about golf or birds?

Only the nice ones talk about birds

And if I talk about birds with the wrong one

He'll eat me for breakfast

He'll see right through me

That I'm a big gay poodle

And I take three baths a day

If we're talking about Miatas do I scoff or nod?

I don't know what's good and what's bad with cars

I can talk to men for a couple minutes but

Then I know I'm gonna bring up Tracy Chapman

Or Liza Minelli, or Stevie Nicks, or Tori Amos, or Whitney Houston

At least she sang at a sports game once

But what game was it, was it football or table tennis?

Or greyhound racing, is that even legal?

I hold a beer with two hands

What's up Steve?

Wanna hear about all the cool spots

That I binge eat vegan donuts in my car?

In a button-up shirt and maybe in the perfect light

(Steve? Steve?)

I could look like a regular barbecue guy

(Steven?)

But make no mistake I'm actually a giant flightless bird

With a crush on Rob Thomas

And when the men find out that I'm an undercover

Fruity turkey vulture

I'm afraid I'm gonna get reported to Dwayne The Rock Johnson

He'll spank me till I praise Van Halen

And name my top three craft beer selections

I'm afraid, I'm afraid to talk to men

Mike, Rob, Richard, and Alan

Paul, Gary, Liam's aren't usually too bad

But Phil's are tough