The Bear, The Tiger, The Hamster

Woman 1

Stop!

All right, that’s it

That’s the one that does it

I’ve had it with that song and dance

A man must this and a woman must that

Till relationships don’t stand a chance

I’m sorry to shout

But I’m up to here

With all that crap about man and wife

For I – thank god – am a scientist

And I know the real facts of life

Like a soul possessed

I have studied and assessed

The creatures ofthis earth

And from moose to eel

What my studies most reveal

Is the male’s inflated worth

For in most of the animal kingdom

The ladies only seldom need men

Their dealings are straight

They meet them to mate

And never see them again

The bear, the tiger, the hamster and the mole

Have females who live fruitful lives outside of male control

For one mindless spasm they allow the male his role

That’s marriage for the tiger, bear and hamster

Now the mole, who’s blind

Will never be confined

To one male she’s merely felt

Once his seed is sown

She has her babes alone

In the hole where the male mole dwelt

And as for the boa constrictor

She needs no more than one male response

For when it appears

She stores it for years

To use whenever she wants

The ray, the rhino, the penguin and the tern

Those females know that motherhood is not a male concern

Of course they’re not human, but they show what we can learn

They point the way, the rhino, ray and penguin

In a field or brook

Almost anywhere you look

Are mothers on their own

In the deep,on high

Mothers kiss their mates good-bye

And they raise their young alone

Now I make no brief for the mantis

Who decapitates her mate during sex

But I do like the auk

Who mates with a squawk

And then throws rocks at her “ex”

The bitch, the vixen, the queen bee and the shrew

What men have done to those fine words we never can undo

They’re strong working mothers – yes they’re just like me and you

Let’s redefine the shrew, the bitch and vixen

And be..like the seagull

Roam free…as the lynx

And cruise…like the caribous…if we choose

And not have to wait for those sly little winks

From some man who envies the sex life of minks

And not have to guess if he’s one of the finks

Or whether he drinks

Or whether he stinks

Or what he thinks

Of me

Now of course if fate

Should put upon my plate

That quintessential male

I would stick like glue

Yes, I would be as true

As any beaver, owl or whale

But till then I’ll envy the oyster

Who lives a happy life on the shelf

When she wants a term

She releases some sperm

And fertilizes herself

The hare, the condor, the guppy and the bream

They’re all out there doing what humans only dream

Come march toward the future on my scientific team

For now that you’ve seen and can compare

Why anyone with the will to dare

Can follow the tiger and the bear

And hamster

And mole

And me!