Night Of The Living Rednecks

Ray's guitar broke

No, we won't play Rawhide, won't play anything

We'll play the theme from the Dinah Shore show

Who wants to be Dinah Shore?

Who's alter-ego is Dinah Shore?

Oh, his fists didn't go up so quickly this time

Yawn, yawn, yawn

Put those headphones on, it's be-bop time

I want to tell you a story

About the last time I was in Portland

The night before we played at the Long Goodbye

I was walking on the street about 10:30 at night

A lot of people go to bed around here at 10:30 at night

And well, I was walking along

When suddenly these jocks in this bright blue pickup drove up

It had KC lights, tractor tires, everything but the CB

It was a life-size Hot Wheels car for some dumb rich kid, right

Well, they drove up to me

And they yelled what dumb rich kids usually yell

"Hey, faggot" and showered me with some water

So, I stood there thinking

What a bunch of fuckheads and picked up a rock

Now, I waited, walked down about a block

To where the Kentucky Fried Chicken is, on Burnside

And sure enough they drove around again

They said, "Hey, faggot, where's the nearest McDonald's?"

I said, "I don't know" and they squirted me again

So I threw the rock

And put a nice-size dent in their giant Hot Wheels car

They screached to a halt in the parking lot of some department store

Who's name I don't remember, it's up the street from Fred Meyer

And they got out their clubs and they ran after me

Yelling, "We're gonna kill you, you God damn faggot"

"We're gonna kill you, you motherfucker"

So I got in a phonebooth by the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Burnside

Held my legs straight out like this

So they couldn't open the door to the phonebooth

So they began charging the phonebooth

Beating on it with their club

Yelling, "We're gonna kill you, you motherfucker"

"We're gonna kill you, you goddamn faggot"

I just looked at them

So, there was a crowd gathering by this time

And these kids were standing nearby and they said

"Oh, look at him, he's insane"

I thought, ah-hah, here's my way out

I yelled at them, "Take me to a mental hospital right away"

"I wanna be be put away"

"Please put me away, c'mon, call the cops and put me away"

"Please put me away now"

They said, "Alright, faggot, we're calling the police"

So they called the police

The cop comes out and I go

Ah, my savior, I'm away from these jocks

He opens up the door, "Get out of there, you"

Throws me up against the car, frisks me, shoves me in the back

Then he goes over to the jocks

"Now what happened here?"

"It looks like we're going have to take him to jail"

"But we got to have the full story first"

So the jocks, who had an ace in the hole, ace in the hole

Take down on the bass, a little bit down on the bass, yeah

Ace in the hole, and they go

"Well, goddammit, the motherfucker put a dent in my truck"

"A five thousand dollars truck, right"

"So I got my club, I went out and I wanted to kill him"

"I want to kill him, let me kill him, goddammit, let me kill him"

So the cop made them go home

And he drove me home

And he confiscated their club and my rock as further evidence

And I thought, so this is Oregon, huh?

Tolerent Oregon?

Ray, are you done with your guitar yet?

He isn't done yet

So what else do you want to hear, I'm out of stories

That's a true story, too, just ask Bruce Loose