Just Am

Standing in the desert

Faces stare back from the dunes

Brought here by courage or delusion

I won’t stop, but I feel ripping mad

So I am crying words

That don’t make sense to me or them

But I am singing, I am singing

Beams the child inside then disappears again

Still I go on repeating words of loss and failure

Of every choice that I gave up to guardian anger

I hope that you can feel life

Cause even watching descent I see light

But I recall I called you hate

Repeated words get locked and phased

And these words attach

Some words like stone

You find with time you build more than sow

You build a house

You build what you know

I wonder if that’s home

Tangled up at home, unloved intentions all I see

All those collected, stacked

And fretted over treasures leave me spinning so

I’ll leave the door wide open my old friend

There’s more unfound

It’s time for letting wounds

And breaking through these

Pretty patterned knots I twist around

Dad I can’t see, I’ve lost my voice, I need direction

Reweighed each choice so many times I’ve lost reflection

You’ve got to let go so you’ll grow

Then even when you feel blind you’ll still know

So I asked again when I get home can I build space?

And clear these ripples of disorder

And erosion I feel nipping mad

And when I find my way through all discolor in my mind

Swear I’ll never leave imbalance

Or impatience standing guard or keeping time

Cause I hold on to things

That dearly need replacing

Broken time ruling pain and failed aging

When I let go, I just am

Conjured back to myself I just am

In holding on I’ve grown too tight

My joints are cracked, my eyes gone white

Stop holding

Don’t wait too long your face is sown

Your fears won’t fail and new ones will show

Only steps you take will help you to grow

And when I hope, I hope I’m home

I’ll step inside and I’ll feel grown

If only

Don’t wait for safe just fall inside

And wisely forgetting to take

That treasured stain you’ve always relied

I wonder what you’ll show