Through the Wormhole

[Ziltoid:] Blattaria! War princess! I am here with my new best friends: the human beings who are now my army! And together, we shall defeat you! Captain Spectacular!

[Captain Spectacular:] Right here, Ziltoid!

[Ziltoid:] Yes. Please, provide me with the weapon.

(Don't do it captain, don't do it!)

[Ziltoid:] Ha! Fooled you, poopypants!

[Captain Spectacular:] What?! But- butbutbut Ziltoid!

[Ziltoid:] Yes. I have duped the humans into thinking I am on their side!

[Captain Spectacular:] Ziltoid, we had a deal! You signed a contract!

[Ziltoid:] Yes, I signed it in pencil. With my left hand. I mean, you’re just so dumb, it- it hurts!

[Captain Spectacular:] Ziltoid, how could you do this?

[Ziltoid:] Oh please, do you actually think that there’s anything in common between me and you, human?

[Captain Spectacular:] There’s more you have in common with humans than you realize. Think back to your childhood! You must know how I know!

[Ziltoid:] What are you blathering about?

[Captain Spectacular:] Ziltoid, search your memories. Don’t I look familiar to you?

[Ziltoid:] Just tell me!

[Captain Spectacular:] We have the same mother!

[Ziltoid:] Woah!!

[Narrator:] Turns out, Captain Spectacular… is Ziltoid’s half-brother!

[Ziltoid:] Woah!

[Blattaria:] Will you losers get on with it?! What are you talking about over there?

[Captain Spectacular:] I have something here from our mother! And she wanted you to have it. This is the universe’s ultimate coffee bean!

[Ziltoid:] Woah! Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!

[Captain Spectacular:] Ziltoid, you were always destined to be humanity’s last hope! Now end this!

[Ziltoid:] Wow, this is so heavy, and unbelievably cheesy! Oh well, Planet Smasher, I command the attack!

[burping]

Woah, what the heck!

[Blattaria:] Ha ha ha! Nice weapon!

[Ziltoid:] Oh crap!

[Blattaria:] Ziltoid, I see you have a soft spot. Well, let me show you how we play in my world! Captain Spectacular, you die!!

[Captain Spectacular:] Ayeayeayeayeayeayeaya

[Ziltoid:] No!!

[Narrator:] All… seemed to be lost.

[Ziltoid:] My brother!

[Narrator:] What Ziltoid failed to realize is- the Planet Smasher needed his own reasons to summon his ungodly power!

[Ziltoid:] Nooo!

[Narrator:] The pain of his brother dying pierces his withered heart!

[Ziltoid:] Ugh, so lame!

[Narrator:] As Ziltoid kneels beside his fallen brother, as if in a dream, the song they’d sing together as children is all of a sudden on his lips…

[Ziltoid:] Memories… all alone with the memories…

[Planet Smasher roars]

[Narrator:] The War Princess wasn’t about to go quietly. She grabbed out, got a hold of Ziltoid, and in that moment they were both… gone! Turns out the thing the Planet Smasher hated the most… was musicals! Who saw that coming?!

[Earthling 1:] They’re gone! We’re free! We’re free!! Captain Spectacular saved us!

[Earthling 2:] And so did Ziltoid!

[Earthlings:] Hip hip hooray!

[Narrator:] So Ziltoid, the War Princess, and the Poozers are jettisoned through that hairy wormhole. The Planet Smasher, off to wherever Planet Smashers go. The musicals worked! The humans, now left alone amongst themselves to celebrate, wallowing in the sacrifice of Captain Spectacular, yet giddy in the joy of their survival, awash with the promise of their brand new world, voices raised together in celebratory blissful song. The earth sang as one- believe it, or not.