Christmas

I drank myself stupid and ate far too much

Had sex with the wrong girl

Missed out on the conga line

But i threw up whilst doing the moonwalk to mistletoe and wine

And i realised it was time to go when i said to my boss - "a penis you are"

And so i drove home on the ice

Meandering along the busy roads thinking of christ

And then lo through my windscreen came a sleigh oh so bright

Came a snowman so decorative but it was to the brick wall that i said goodnight

How, how had it come to this, i had always been a careful soul

Ho hum this is christmas, a carefree time christmas

This christmas time cares for us all

When i next awoke it was christmas day morning, my mother sat next to me

She said, "son, this is some gift."

As i lay wrapped in plaster, thinking of festivities i'd miss

Like only fools and horses, the queen's speech at three

And an eastender's wedding and nuts

Brazil nuts and walnuts and wine

And more wine and pudding and turkey

Give me turkey, i want turkey, more turkey please, turkey, more

Oh jesus christ, i am so lucky

Jesus christ, did i deserve this?

Jesus christ, who is my saviour?

Is it you jesus i can't dismiss?

How, how had it come to this, i had always been a careful soul

Ho hum this is christmas, a carefree time christmas

This chrismas time cares for us all

And i won't get depressed in january

And i won't worry about what to buy

And i won't feel that i need to smile

And i won't think of santa again or at least for a while...