Fourteen Pints Of Beer And a Kebab

I went out to the slug and toad

Drinking with the lads

They disappeared at closing time

And left me with the tab

Someone slipped me a creme-de-menthe

I confess I feel a little sick

I threw up in some chick's sling-backs

As I left the discotheque

Now my car keys are in my trousers

I've had a brew but I'm feeling fine

Once I find my trousers

I'll be alright to drive

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

Now I feel like making love

I'm feeling like a million bucks

I'm walking on a cloud

As I wander into another bar

And fart out loud

I know I looking brilliant

I've got that beery grin

I stumble with my fly half-mast

And sing "Let the show begin!"

I feel all eyes upon me

The envy of other men

As I urinate against the wall

And let the piss drip down my leg

Every woman wants me

They've got a perfect view

Of me playing hard to get

When I'm face down in my spew

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

Now I feel like making love

I feel like making love

I spy this lovely Essex chick

In crimplene with a broken nose

Sweat stains in her crotch

And she's semi-comatose

I chat up this foxy lady

As her eyes roll round her head

I know if she's as drunk as me

We'll both wind up in bed

So let's make love like the English do

Football songs, and no foreplay

You pretend that you're asleep

And let me have my way

Yeah - let's do it just like British rail,

Rude and late at a lazy pace

I... face your kitchen sit

And end up in your throw

(No! )

I sit upon your kitchen sink

And throw up in your face

(No no no! )

I'll throw up in the kitchen sink

And sit upon your face...

Yeah!

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

I drank fourteen pints of beer and a kebab

Now I feel like making love

I feel like making love