Mommy Dearest

Hi ma, I've come back home

'Cause I don't like this world we live in

For all my faults and failures

Please tell me I'm forgiven

I want my old womb back

My cosy cubby-hole

I want to be your child again

Before I get too old

Mummy dearest, mother mine

It's me your baby boy

I know what's lacking in your life

That old maternal joy

So lets boil up some water

No need to get a nurse

It'll be just like the virgin birth

But only in reverse

Mummy dearest, mother mine

It's me your only son

Freud would have a field day

Trying to understand this one

Let's have a natural re-entry

Most doctors say it's easier

But I've brought a butchers knife

Just in case you want a caeser

It's not some old wive's tale

Or some unfortunate wisecrack

But you could use some extra weight

And I need to take a nine month nap

And I've been good, I've been good

Now I deserve a small reward

Don't want my birthday suit

I want to wear my umbilical cords

(You know, the ones with the jumbo flare with the spot of

blood around the cuff)

Mummy dearest, mother mine

Look what the stork brought back

I don't want no damp bunk bed

I want my foetal sack

I was a sad lonely child

I wish that you'd had twins

And if you can spare the room Ma

I'd like to bring some friends

Mummy dearest, mother mine

It's me your pookie bear

I don't want to hurt you

Or soil your underwear

'Cause you're my guru, my ma

My host, my home, my mentor

We could have a three course meal

If we boil up the old placenta

(Finger lickin' good ma)