Medicate with tea

I don't do crack, I've never seen cocaine

And fortunately I rarely pop an Aspirin when in pain

'Cause I wanna be - of alcohol or any drug at all - completely free

But I self-medicate with tea

(doot-da-doot-doot)

I know just where to go to get my fix:

The beverage aisle

At Starbucks, I confess, I get my kicks

I'm not in denial

My oolong heals

Your dealer deals for quite a hefty fee

So I self-medicate with tea

(doo-da-loo-doo)

It's not that I'm not miserable as any old drunk

My life is no more bearable than any old junkie

I'd jump out a window

Suicide's a sin though

I've found another way

There's no amount I wouldn't pay

To overdose on Earl Grey

Or English Breakfast

When I'm hopped up on caffeinated Chai

I'm feeling the buzz

And when you asked if I liked to get high

I already was

It's black or green or in-between

Sometimes it looks like weed

But my self-medicating

Improves my mental stating

I don't need to go to rehab

Or to set up a meth lab

I may be a cynic

But the Betty Ford clinic

Isn't ever gonna break me from my habit of choice

It's my opium, my Xanax and it's good for my voice

I hope you comprehend my reasoning

Twinings, Liptons, even Celestial Seasonings

Keep your marijuana

I got my own remedy

I self-self-medicate with tea

Boom

It's chamomile

Yeah