Saturday Dec 14 2013

It's been exactly one year since I wrote that first poem about you

I sat in bed and started thinking about what happened at Sandy Hook

And how fragile life is

And how much I wanted you in mine

When you read it, you said you teared up

And couldn't believe whatever this was we found in each other

You called it indescribable

I lied in the same spot a year later

With you beside me

Emotionless

Thinking about how I watched you change with every season

How spring turned into summer

Turned into autumn

Turned into winter

How the purity of something new

Became as hot as the persistent day

As it rests too heavily on tired flowers

And how when that tiredness wins

They die, like everything else

I could feel my chest collapsing that night

I sat in the stairway and read every word you had written

To someone else while you were gone

How you teared up when you read the words he wrote to you

How you couldn't believe what you found

You even called it indescribable

Now I can't stop thinking

About what those words might have been

And how they compare to mine

I can't sleep because I need to know what you found

And if it feels anything like what I lost

I'm sorry if I'm so stuck in this

Its just before you came along I spent four years

With someone who would watch me

Watch the world

But couldn't hold my hand and see what I saw

Someone who loved me so much

But couldn't understand how a human soul

Could mimic the seasons

Or how a person can be fine

For so long

But wake up one morning wanting to die

All over again

So when that feeling rises over the mountains

All I ask of the world is that they greet it differently

Than pagans when they worship the Sun

I am old soil

Mixed with the compulsion

To describe what used to grow here

To describe the indescribable sensation

Of life in a dying field

As if remembering the smell of your blossoms

Is the only thing keeping me alive