The Ballad Of Kelly

Holy shit you’re fucking disgusting

Your one ring must be rusting

I’d never put my finger inside

The deep dark depths where the orcs all hide

I’m not touching your Mt. Doom

And neither would Orlando Bloom

Cast a spell to hide your face

You’re Middle Earth’s sickest disgrace

Have you ever seen someone so ugly you could die?

So hideous that you could skull-fuck Sauron’s eye

Or do it with a dwarf and get it in his beard

‘Cause a girl who looks like Smeagol is something to be feared

Hobbits live in hills for reasons

To side from you throughout the seasons

You’re the reason the Ring-Wraiths screech

And fly so high out of reach

I’m not touching your giant eagle

Not with a face like fucking Smeagol

You should be locked up in a cage

So say the Elves, wise and aged