Roast Yourself

Hi Gabbie! Hey!

What's up today? I'm gonna roast myself

That's up to date

Not really, bitch, you're fucking late

Two shitty vids a week too much to plate?

You know damn well what took so long to come out with this whack-ass song

What the fuck are you supposed to do

When you wanna join in but no one challenges you?

It's lonely and pathetic but I'll put that on the shelf

And I'll challenge myself to roast myself

How original! What a surprise

You're dying alone and you can't get guys

Maybe your dating life would be just fine

If you didn't talk about it all the fucking time

Welcome back!

Who the fuck you talking to, bitch?

Can't you see no one's even coming back to this shit?

You have another channel that nobody watches

Your vlogs got no views like an agnostic

Haven't you noticed all your views slow-dropping?

Looks like your show-stoppers stopped show-stopping

You hang out with and act like and dress like a teen

And your social life only exists on the screen

The fact that you've had the same hair for 8 years

Doesn't make you appear to be young to your peers

Speaking of which, how fucking old are you again?

Your voice sounds like you smoked two packs a day since you were 10

About to get as cold as a damn ice cube

How the fuck did you ever make it big on YouTube?

Take your irrelevant ass back to Vine

Where people only hate you 6 seconds at a time

You remade so many memes I forgot to mention

Your family set you down for de-vine intervention

The Gabbie Show, what a fucking genius

Twerk for views, now show more cleavage

Here's some shit to make them flip their lids

Make some vids that appeal to kids

Pokemon, Ghost Stories, Tinder Dates

Make content that even you would hate

So you can get hella views 'cause they all relate

Then you slap 'em in the face with some fresh clickbait

If you had fans once, then you surely lost them

Now you only get views making out with Shane Dawson

It's not clickbait if it actually happened!

Okay, stop right there before I start snapping

You say you hate drama but don't try to spin it

If that was the case, how you always up in it?

Get off your fucking high horse and take some blame

Stop exaggerating stories just for money and fame

I don't know how to get this through to you

If you're always in drama, the problem is you

Oh! It's probably true

The Gabbie Show, behind the scenes

Stuffing your face with Krispy Kremes

Reading comments about your size

Use Chipotle napkins to wipe your eyes

Washing your feelings down with tears

I'm on a diet!

What, for 25 years?

I know you diet and you're trying to be a smaller size

But running out of ideas is your only exercise

I'm not the type to hit you with low blows

But the only thing bigger than your thighs is your nose

You think my nose is big? Oh, I never heard that before

Tell me why your roast sounds like a 10 year-old commenter

Gotta admit, that's a real good one

Now, tell me Gabbie, who'd you steal that from?

I never stole a joke from any of the pros

That's a lie, that's why you got Pinocchio's nose

Oh! Ouch! Oh my God, I can't even be mad!

Fuck, that was clever! Shit! Ouch!

You rehash the same joke a million times

You did Me as a Parent so many times it's a crime

Another storytime?! Bitch, now you're just lazy

Even your therapist knows you're crazy

You talk about roommates and Uber rides

You'd keep your nose out their business but it's hard at that size

Typical Gab, three nose jokes in a row

You're proving my point, so I guess I can go

I'm sorry, kid, but you hit your peak

You're your own biggest fan but your content's weak

It's all downhill and your future's bleak

Might as well make yourself showstopper of the week