Getting Married Today

MERCEDES:

Bless this day,

Pinnacle of life,

Husband joined to wife.

The heart leaps up to behold

This golden day.

WILL:

- “Emma, I can’t find my shoes!”

Today is for Emma,

Emma, I give you the rest of my life,

To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.

Today is for Emma,

My happily soon-to-be wife.

- “Emma, we’re really getting married”

EMMA:

Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there, I

want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I'd appreciate

your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things

to do, and not a word of this to Will, remember Will, you know,

the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin

anyone as wonderful as he is but I

Thank you all

For the gifts and the flowers,

Thank you all,

Now it's back to the showers,

Don't tell Will,

But I'm not getting married today.

MERCEDES:

Bless this day,

Tragedy of life,

Husband yoked to wife.

The heart sinks down and feels dead

This dreadful day.

WILL:

- “Emma, I can’t find my good cuff links”

EMMA:

- “They’re on the dresser! Right next to my suicide note…”

Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for,

a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual

where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is

maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is

followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's

saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should

So thanks a bunch,

But I'm not getting married--

Go have lunch,

'Cause I'm not getting married--

You've been grand,

But I'm not getting married--

Don't just stand there,

I'm not getting married--

And don't tell Will,

But I'm not getting married today.

Go, can't you go?

Why is no-

Body listening?

Goodbye,

Go and cry

At another person's wake.

If you're quick,

For a kick,

You could pick

Up a christening,

But please,

On my knees,

There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to

see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn't only Will

who may be ruining his life, you know we'll both of us be losing

our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to

see him Monday, but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with

the other garbage

I'm not well,

So I'm not getting married--

You've been swell,

But I'm not getting married--

Clear the hall,

'Cause I'm not getting married--

Thank you all,

But I'm not getting married--

And don't tell Will,

But I'm not getting married today.

MERCEDES:

Bless this bride,

Totally insane,

Slipping down the drain.

And bless this day in our hearts

As it starts

To rain.

WILL:

Today is for Emma,

Emma, I give you the rest of my life,

To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.

Today is for Emma,

My happily soon-to-be wife.

My adorable wife.

EMMA:

Go, can't you go?

Look, you know

I adore you all,

But why

Watch me die

Like Eliza on the ice?

Look, perhaps

I'll collapse

In the apse

Right before you all,

So take

Back the cake,

Burn the shoes and boil the rice.

Look, I didn't wanna have to tell you, but I may be coming

down with Hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint, so if

you wanna see me faint, I'll do it happily, but wouldn't

it be funnier to go and watch a funeral, so thank you for the

twenty-seven dinner plates,

thirty-seven butter knives,

forty-seven paperweights,

fifty-seven candleholders--

WILL:

One more thing--

EMMA:

I am not getting married!

CHOIR:

Amen!

WILL:

Softly said--

EMMA:

But I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:

Amen!

WILL:

With this ring--

EMMA:

Still I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:

Amen!

WILL:

I thee wed.

EMMA:

See, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:

Amen!

WILL & EMMA:

Let us pray

That we are getting married

Today!

CHOIR:

AMEN!!!