I Discovered America

There was smoke up to my eyeballs

Poison burned my throat

But I said I'd keep on going

When everyone said don't

With my bony-chested t-shirt

Some stolen guitar licks

Navigating by dead reckoning

In 1976

And when the mighty chains of darkness

Had me on the ropes

Everyone said quit now

That's when I found hope

So please don't tell Columbus

Don't tell his queen for sure

That I had the accurate compass

And I discovered America

Well the guy in the five and dime store

Said it ain't anywhere around here

Take your business elsewhere

Along with your mad idea

So I looked inside your closet

And your broken tv set

You said that you were born here

But you hadn't found it yet

So please don't tell Columbus

Don't tell his queen for sure

That I had the accurate compass

And I discovered America

Well I knew one day she'd let me in

I knew I'd get the girl

And live in a town called veteran

Pork capitol of the world

So please don't tell Columbus

Don't tell his queen for sure

That I had the accurate compass

And I discovered America

Well they've dammed the yangtse river damn it

There'll be hell to pay

But I guess that's what you do

When the yangtse river gets in your way

But I had that positive feeling

I knew I was on the right track

When a flat earth society member

Told me I must turn back

He said I'd reach the abyss

And keep on going down

So I gave him my last pencil

And I flattened him to the ground

Then an army of Christian soldiers

Broke through the ranks and charged

With their ice cream vendor buddies

And their milquetoast rearguard

They had wheelbarrows full of elastic

And paper mache hearts

And things I did not recognize

Impaled upon their darts

And when the mighty chains of darkness

Had me on the ropes

Everyone said quit now

That's when I found hope

Yeah that's when I found hope

So please don't tell Columbus

Don't tell his queen for sure

That I had the accurate compass

And I discovered America