If Dirt Were Dollars

Walkin' like a millionaire

Smilin' like a king

He leaned his shopping cart against the wall

He said, "I been a lot of places

And I seen a lot of things

But, sonny, I seen one thing that beats 'em all

I was flyin' back from Lubbock

I saw Jesus on the plane

...or maybe it was Elvis

You know, they kinda look the same

Hey, look out, Junior, you're steppin' on my bed"

I said, "I don't see nothin"

He just glared at me and said,

If dirt were dollars

If dirt were dollars

If dirt were dollars

I wouldn't worry anymore

Lookin' like a beauty queen

Loyal as a wife

She raised her little voice and testified,

"I am a good girl

I've been one all my life"

But her virtue was as swollen as her pride

She should've had the Oscar

She must have been miscast

Her fifteen minutes went by so fast

I said, "Now, baby, have you got no shame?"

She just looked at me, uncomprehendingly

Like cows at a passing train

If dirt were dollars

If dirt were dollars

If dirt were dollars

I wouldn't worry anymore

We got the bully pulpit

And the poisoned pen

We got a press no better

Than the public men

This brave new world

Gone bad again

God's finest little creatures

Looking brave and strong

Whistling past the graveyard

Nothing can go wrong

Quoting from the scriptures

With patriotic tears

We got the same old men

With the same old fears

Standing at attention

Wrapped in stars and stripes

They hear the phantom drummers

And the nonexistent pipes

These days the buck stops nowhere

No one takes the blame

But evil is still evil

In anybody's name

If dirt were dollars

If dirt were dollars

If dirt were dollars

We'd all be in the black