Apologia (Opening Letter, Opening Chorus)

[Stage version:]

[Opening Letter]

[Secretary:]

Mister Lebowitz's office

He's busy

Who shall I say?

Yes, sir

I'll be glad to

I'll tell him

Okay

[Lawyer:]

Take a letter to Mr. B. G. DeSylva

My dear Mister DeSylva

I've read the book of your show

And as your legal advisor, I'm writing to let you know

That you're skating on very thin ice

And since you've asked my advice

Let me warn you it can't be done

I know it's all in fun

But there is a state called Louisiana

And anyone can tell

That both your acts are based on facts

And they're gonna be sore as hell

You won't get away with it -- they'll sue

You and Ryskind and Berlin, too

Because

There are laws

Laws that specifically say

You can't write a book or a play

Based on characters living today

And that's what you've done

I know it's in fun

But, for instance, the very first scene

The character you call the Dean

You've changed the name but just the same

They're going to know who you mean

And you won't get away with it, oh no

The minute you open they'll close the show

And they'll sue

They'll sue

You and Ryskind and Berlin, too

And the cast will go to jail

Of that I have no doubt

But speaking as your attorney

Let me say that there is a way out

You can make the whole thing legal

Without changing a line in your book

It can still be Louisiana

You can call a crook a crook

But you must say it's based on fiction

And everything will be fine

Yours truly, Sam Lebowitz

Of Rafferty, Driscoll and O'Brien

[Opening Chorus]

[Louisianans:]

Before we start the show

We'd like to have you know

The characters portrayed

In our musical charade

Have not been based on persons living or dead

They've all been made up out of the author's head

Instead

The things that we reveal

Never happened, they're not real

In spite of what you've heard or what you've read

The politicians we investigate

Could come from Maine or Kansas, or Montana

So we laid our story in a mythical state

A mythical state we call Louisiana

Within our simple plot

You'll notice quite a lot

Of references to crooks

Who have monkeyed with their books

And with those gentlemen we're not too gentle

If they seem like men you've read about

It's purely accidental

The law says shows like this one can get by

With one restriction

It must be fiction

We've tried to stay within the law, that's why

We laid the scenes

In New Orleans

A city we've invented so that there would be no fuss

If there is such a place, it's certainly news to us

Again, the same old word

No matter what you've heard

The villains in our show

Are just characters, and so

If an arrow seems to strike

Someone who's investigated

If he looks to you just like

Someone to whom you're related

Don't go out and sue

We don't mean you

It's fiction so don't be temperamental

If your sons are millionaires

Don't start trembling in your britches

When a character declares

That you're dirty sons of riches

Don't go out and sue

We don't mean you

The likeness is purely accidental

So, please bear this in mind

Our show is of the mythical kind

The book is mythical

The score is mythical

To make them mythical was our only chance

The girls are mythical

The boys are mythical

And now we'll let our mythical show advance

And go into our mythical dance

[Film version:]

[Opening Letter]

[Lawyer:]

Take a letter to Paramount Studios, Hollywood

Gentlemen,

I've read the book of your show

And as your legal advisor, I'm writing to let you know

That it really can't be done

I know it's all in fun

But there is a state called Louisiana

And anyone can tell

That they're gonna be sore as --

Well, you won't get away with it -- they'll sue

You and the writers and the actors, too

Because

There are laws

Laws that specifically say

You can't write a book or a play

Based on characters living today

Yes, the cast will go to jail

Of that I have no doubt

But speaking as your attorney

Let me say that there is a way out

You can make the whole thing legal

Without changing a line in your book

It can still be Louisiana

You can call a crook a crook

But you must say it's based on fiction

And everything will be fine

Yours truly, Sam Horowitz

Of Rafferty, Driscoll and O'Brien

[Opening Chorus]

[Louisianans:]

Before the picture starts

We say with all our hearts

The characters portrayed

In our musical charade

Have not been based on persons living or dead

They've all been made up out of the author's head

The politicians we investigate

Could come from Kansas, Maine or Indiana

So we laid our story in a mythical state

A mythical state we call Louisiana

Within our simple plot

You'll notice quite a lot

Of references to crooks

Who have monkeyed with their books

The law says shows like this one can get by

With one restriction

It must be fiction

We've tried to stay within the law, that's why

We laid the scenes

In New Orleans

A city we've invented so that there would be no fuss

If there is such a place, it's certainly news to us

Yes, it's certainly, certainly news to us

Mythical! Mythical!

Fiction! Fiction!

Mythical! Mythical!

Fiction! Fiction!

Mythical! Fiction!

Mythical! Fiction!

Aaaaah!