The Hostess With The Mostes' On The Ball

[Verse:]

I was born on a thousand acres of Oklahoma land

Nothing grew on the thousand acres for it was gravel and sand

One day father started digging in a field

Hoping to find some soil

He dug and he dug and what do you think?

Oil, oil, oil

The money rolled in and I rolled out with a fortune piled so high

Washington was my destination

And now who am I?

[1st refrain:]

I'm the chosen party giver

For the White House clientele

And they know that I deliver

What it takes to make 'em jell

And in Washington I'm known by one and all

As the hostess with the mostes' on the ball

They could go to Elsa Maxwell

When they had an axe to grind

They could always grind their axe well

At the parties she designed

Now the hatchet grinders all prefer to call

On the hostess with the mostes' on the ball

I've a great big bar and good caviar

Yes, the best that can be found

And a large amount in my bank account

When election time comes 'round

If you're feeling presidential

You can make it, yes, indeed

There are just three things essential

Let me tell you all you need

Is an ounce of wisdom and a pound of gall

And the hostess with the mostes' on the ball

[2nd refrain:]

Entertaining vodka drinkers

Is a job they give to me

Making nice guys out of stinkers

Seems to be my cup of tea

What they really need behind the iron wall

Is the hostess with the mostes' on the ball

There's a book of regulations

As to who sits next to who

But there might be complications

When the blue blood's not so blue

So the priestess with the leastes' protocol

Is the hostess with the mostes' on the ball

An Ambassador has just reached the shore

He's a man of many loves

An important gent from the Orient

To be handled with kid gloves

He can come and let his hair down

Have the best time of his life

Even bring his new affair down

Introduce her as his wife

But she mustn't leave her panties in the hall

For the hostess who's the hostess with the mostes' on the ball

[Encore:]

I've been highly complimented

And I thank you what is more

You'll be damned well represented

By your new ambassador

For my one ambition is to make them fall

For the hostess with the mostes' on the ball

In the handbag that I'll carry

There's a precious little note

To their highnesses from Harry

Introducing me he wrote:

"I'll appreciate a favor large or small

For the hostess with the mostes' on the ball"

There'll be no mistakes, I've got what it takes

To make friends across the sea

I'll make being smart an important part

Of my foreign policy

I'll cement our good relations

When I give my first affair

There'll be special invitations

To the Duke and Duchess there

Who's already written asking them to call

Not the priestess with the leastes'

But the hostess who's the hostess with the mostes' on the ball