My History

If i could swim a thousand lakes to bring your life back

I write that, but infinity can't rewind facts

You are divinity

My primitive mind was struggling

Just to understand the meaning of life, forgive me

I never told my mommy, i couldn't break her spirit

She always wished her daughter, extraordinary thinking

So i traveled alone, young, sixteen got in the habit of not stayin' at home

Doing the sad walk like

Bill bixby, a dollar fifty

Trips to the hospital so that medicaid could fix me

I couldn't eat shit. i fainted frequent.

On cold floors and i pause and i think, keep it

I'm lost, my four friends know

And just fuck at the boys' apartments for rent, so

I'm all wishin' that it's a dream ending soon

I've actually erased a lot that i've been through

See when the rain comes down, i know it's fallin' for me, and only for me

And when the pain comes around, there's nowhere else i rather would be

I know what i've done, please forgive me

Now all my bitter homies sayin' that's what men do

Feelin' retarded for seeing partner potential

On top of that, the doctors telling me a heart murmur

I can't take it; i'm contemplating a glock burner, a cop murderer

I can't be, this can't be

The tears streaming and i can't see, they lance me

And i'm passin' out, and this is just for blood

They had to cover the mass amounts, i've had enough

And you don't know what it's like in waiting rooms

And outside their picketing pictures could slay you

Their screamin' victims, and spitting till they shame you

I hold my head low and shiver push my way through

They put you in a room, where you can change into

Your gown and shower cap, shaking as a fiend would do

And that's when you think of leaving, fleeing the

Building and then they call you and you hear the call of your children

They count down from ten now, you wanna stop

'em but you say it in your head, your out for the cut

Then you wake up in another room with plenty others

They call it recovery; you're thinkin' we ain't mothers

And then prescription pills, written a 'scrip with chills

An understatement, you're dressed but you're naked still

And your brain won't think straight

Wait - can't finish this

I kept it bottled up; my parent's found the pills

Screaming god what have you done?

Cried till i snotted blood, then got a gun

My temper ran quick tho, from the thought,

Then the worst i was caught in the same place

A year later, for me that's when hatred started

My faith martyred, i've dated a father but farther, then i moved on

Years past, the guilt's worse and it builds till your heart' smashed

Then i miscarried 22 age, i was headed to a breakdown

Swallowed up some pills and i laid down

I was a failure at that too, bailed from the

Rap then but fate took me back in

Sin is a tattoo my fingers attached with

Twenty-seven with three kids that i never met

What if i was catholic? wonder if they hate me?

Thinking how their mother could ever murder?

Well take me hell - to the depths where

The brimstone chokes me constantly

I am a monster, see

How could i possibly correspond with god when i gave

The authority to end that life?

But it's never over, even if we have a child

They coulda had a brother or sister or both

I'm thinking about another life that almost got close

Prayin' that in another time we coulda' changed posts

If i could just reverse time, i would

I don't know what i would do, honestly it's not good

I'm sorry