The Clampetts Go To Maui

I'll give you an idea of what kind of family mine is

This is a true story

About 9 or 10 months ago I did somethin I had always wanted to do

I cashed in all my frequent flyer miles

I took everybody in my family to Hawaii, 13 people

Thinkin this would be the vacation of a lifetime

It ended up bein the Clampetts go to Maui!

Cuz you get my family together and there is an empty K-mart somewhere!

They showed up at the airport they were usin coolers and grocery bags for luggage

The sky cap was like "which ones yours? the samsonite?"

They were like, "no we got the igloo with the duct tape on it and the 5 piggly wiggly bags right there!"

At the ticket counter I asked my mother, i said "mom would you like to sit next to the window?"

She goes "oh i better not, i just had my hair fixed."

And on the plane, the movie they were showin on the plane was Homeward Bound The Incredible Journey

5 minutes into this movie my brother turns to me and goes, "You know that ain't them dogs real voice!"

My sister got mad, "well thanks for spoilin it for everybody else!"

And we were stayin right on the beach, in fact the whales were migrating through

You could stand on the balcony and watch whales come up out of the water

First morning there, my brothers out there goin "man i wish i had a gun with a scope on it!"

"How much does it cost to mount a whale?! ANYBODY KNOW?!"

I'd have to get a bigger trailer i'll tell ya that!

And you could tell which rooms were ours

Ours were the ones with the underwear hangin off the rail!

According to the manager, the sight of the only peeing for distance contest they had ever had!

Which I am ashamed to say my Aunt Rose won in the second round!

We are a classy bunch!

My uncle Doug kept askin, "When we gonna convert our money to Hawaiin money?"

This is the same uncle Doug, we went to a luau and you know how they always ask people to volunteer to hula dance?

Ol' Doug volunteered.

Halfway through the dance we all realize Doug's not wearin any underwear underneath his hula skirt!

We asked him about it later and he goes, "well when i went to put my skirt on i noticed i had a hole in my drawers and I didnt wanna embarrass myself!"

Dang Doug, you thought this out!

And there's my family, I love em, they're good people...

They just dont get out much!

Mainly because of that "no shirt no shoes" rule

They love that hotel though

God, they stole everything from that place

They stole the ashtrays while we were checkin in!

Didnt even dump the sand out of em! Just picked em up and walked out!

Stole everything, I mean you get outta the shower and your dryin off with toilet paper cuz tehy ahve teh towels in teh piggly wiggly bags

And one day one of the maids made the mistake of goin to lunch and leavin her cart out in the hall...

They were on that like a pack of dogs on a 3 legged cat! Picked it clean!

I asked my brother later i said, "what are you gonan do with 180 shower caps?!"

He said, "Christmas presents!"

Then his wife got mad, "well thanks for spoilin it for everybody else!"