Kung Fu International

Outside the take-away, Saturday night

a bald adolescent, asks me out for a fight

He was no bigger than a two-penny fart

he was a deft exponent of the martial art

He gave me three warnings:

Trod on me toes, stuck his fingers in my eyes

and kicked me in the nose

A rabbit punch made me eyes explode

My head went dead, I fell in the road

I pleaded for mercy

I wriggled on the ground

he kicked me in the balls

and said something profound

Gave my face the millimetre tread

Stole me chop suey and left me for dead

Through rivers of blood and splintered bones

I crawled half a mile to the public telephone

pulled the corpse out the call box, held back the bile

and with a broken index finger, I proceeded to dial

I couldn't get an ambulance

the phone was screwed

The receiver fell in half

it had been kung fu'd

A black belt karate cop opened up the door

demanding information about the stiff on the floor

he looked like an extra from Yang Shang Po

he said "What's all this then

ah so, ah so, ah so."

he wore a bamboo mask

he was gen'ned on zen

He finished his devotions and he beat me up again

Thanks to that embryonic Bruce Lee

I'm a shadow of the person that I used to be

I can't go back to Salford

the cops have got me marked

Enter the Dragon

Exit Johnny Clarke