The Beer

The beer I had for breakfast was a bottle of Mad Dog

And my 20/20 vision was 50 percent off

He said “Punch buggy red” and punched me right in my left eye

I said “Don’t you mean padiddle?” and I lit his house on fire

He came home on acid. I was holding his shotgun

I was dressed like Tina Turner in "Beyond Thunderdome."

He said “Don’t shoot.” I said, “I won’t. I love you, you’re my friend.”

I handed him my wig and shot myself in the head

Then I stuffed a box of tissues in the hole in my skull

I got in my Mazda, and I drove to the mall

I got a Big Johnson shirt and some silicone tits

When I pulled out the tissues they were covered with shit

And the beer I had for breakfast was a box of cheap white wine

The boombox on my shoulder was a box of clementines

I ate every single one without noticing the mold

You said, “You’re gross, my darling.” I said “No, I’m rock ‘n’ roll.”

Even though I’d never ever been in a band

I got “Kool As Black Ice” tattooed on my hand

And the Christians gave me comic books, as if I would be scared

Of burning in Hell while I was already there

And the beer I had for breakfast, Silver Bullet in the brain

And the beer I had for lunch was a bottle of Night Train

And the beer I had for dinner was my crazy neighbor’s pills

We had to sit down on skateboards just to make it down the hill

Then I peed my pants and you stole the groom’s cigar

And some old man made me watch him masturbate locked in his car

When I got back to the apartment you were face-down on the floor

You said “Don’t go to bed yet. Let’s go get a 64.”

And the beer I had for breakfast was a pint of Jim Beam

And a fifth of peach schnapps and some warm Sunny D

And you said “Bottoms up!” just as I bottomed out

I tried to scream “fuck you” but blood was pouring out my mouth

Evan Dando never planned on telling you the truth

And your Leonardo I.D. card is your fountain of youth

You can be a teenager for your whole fucking life:

Just find some pretty sucker and make that bitch your wife

I guess by now you all known my friend Danny broke his neck

He was driving home from Sirens and he got into a wreck

First I cried for him, then I cried for me

Haunted by the ghost of the girl I used to be

But the rocks with holes are warm in my hands

And I bury my toes in the hot, hot sand

And the silver-pink pony kisses me and

Says “You’ve come a long, long way and you deserve to be really happy.”