I'm An Asshole

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream

About me, about you

About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom ofour chests

About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts

Maybe below the cockles,

Maybe in the sub cockle area,

Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,

Maybe even in the colon, we don't know

I'm just a regular Joe, with a regular job

I'm your average white, suburbanite slop

I like football and porno and books about war

I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor

My wife and my job, my kids and my car

My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like meinterested

(oh no, no way, uh uh)

No I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense

(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)

I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane

While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat

I walk around in the summer time saying "how about this heat"

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)

I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in the handicap spaces

While handicapped people make handicap faces

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)

I'm an asshole (he's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Nah

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)

I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do

I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible

Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps

And all leather cow interior

And make brown baby seal lions for head lights (yeah)

And I'm gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour

Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,

Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonald's

In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers

And when I'm done sucking down those greeseball burgers

I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag

And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out theside

And there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it

You know why, because we've got the bombs, that's why

2 words, nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK?

Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy theywant

They can have a big democracy cakewalk

Right through the middle of Tinian Square and it won't make alick of difference

Because we've got the bombs, OK?

John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen, and as soon as we find a curefor cancer

We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissedoff

You know why,

Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15million times

That's how pissed off the duke's gonna be!

I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Castive Eddies,

and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckenthorp, and a case of whiskey, anddrive down to Texas...

(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)

Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole)

I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E

Everybody

A-S-S-H-O-L-E

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it