Calm Down Baby

This is for anyone wishing they could do their entire life over:

Quit sulking, you fuckin' pussy.

Yeah yeah yeah, clown on my accent all you want.

I'll whoop your ass. I'll whoop your grandmother's ass.

I'll whoop your sister's ass. I'll beat your mom's ass.

I'll beat your ass. It's the anti-socialite not-so-christian

That will talk more shit than bitter and old women

On puny ass rappers with little-to-no rhythm.

Fuck veganism give me some general tso's chicken.

I write weird songs that got hooks like Journey

And if i grew my hair out i'd probably look like Fergie

But I'd never tinkle in my pants while I was on stage

Cause I was potty trained when I was four years of age.

I think a lot of people these days are bitches,

I also think that emo and emotional are different.

But more so I hate white girls that talk like,

"Aww hell naw, girl I'm gettin' this shit crunk, you know what I'm sayin'?"

I'm not jokin', it's nothing but bark, I feel lost.

Can't remember where the fuck that i parked.

The world is gray and blue but what skates me through

Is knowing that I have a better music taste than you.

I used to like Tool until they made the same album that

They made the last time they made the same album.

Every time they make a damn album it's the same album, really.

And only stoners listen to their music, it's silly.

I still think the Deftones are dope,

And I like Nick Drake on the days I wanna let go of hope.

Wilco is great and Ice-T is still clever

And no matter what its always Wu-Tang forever.

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

I'm 25 i started rapping as a sophmore

In those days I'd hide my cigarettes in my sock drawer

Until I heard my mom snoring sleeping on the green couch

And then I'd secretively sneak out.

My first taste of heartbreak was at the park late one summer night

I had a big crush on a girl named Sara

I was gonna ask her out until I saw Tim Phillips kissing her, grabbin' her butt! Isshole! I was madder than fuck and walked home.

Oh, Tim Phillips smells like cool water cologne.

Well fuck him, his Mustang and all his other friends

I vowed i would never love again and since then I've dated,

But fuck that I can't give nothing

I'd rather sail alone than have my damn ship sunken

Being single's par for the course,

I don't wanna cause a marriage cause I don't wanna cause a divorce

It's probably important and it's better for health

Besides, I get the whole damn bed for myself

But what the hell everybody yells for me to drop down my guard

No! This heart of mine's for me, it's locked down and it's scarred

Go home, I don't need me a wife, I'm happily single for life, alright?

My name is Mac Sheldon I'm a fire-sign leo

Alcoholic, anti-mall, anti-hero, anti-soccer mom, anti-hipster; pro-eating captain-crunch-cereal-for-dinner, pro-taking-bong-hits-to-cure-your-depression, and pro-demo cd, if you got one let me check it

But never ask me what the hell i'm laughing about, see ya later I'ma go take a nap on the couch, alright?

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

Calm down baby

Don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Well gee, Mac, what are we gonna do about this Kansan accent of yours?"

Well, self, since you`re asking in the third person, we're gonna fuckin' keep it! Because it makes us pretty and unique and beautiful, like birds!"

I'll whoop your mother's ass.