Adventures In Failure

(No one can do it better)

Damn I hate this job

to work in this dump you gotta be a snob

everybody gets on my nerves in this place

I think I'll take the afternoon off from the rat race

an exciting career

don't amount to much but a pain in the rear

I bust my ass all day for a dollar

and then I go home and listen to the kids holler

devoted spouse waitin' in the den

wants to hit me upside the head with a rolling pin

does that ring a bell?

a daily routine we all know well

I'm makin' more but enjoyin' it less

the good life's mainly causin' me stress

making a change is difficult but

I gotta try to get out of this rut

but fear seems to be holdin' me back

courage is the principle trait I lack

I gotta calm my nerves so I can think

I pour myself a nice stiff drink

and another this is my usual mode

one for the money and ten for the road

ah, now everything is clear

I gotta get the hell out of here

Yes now my mission is plain

a Big Mac is calling my name

I gotta sample some of Ronald's cooking

so I raid my wifes purse when she's not looking

pondering the wonderful thing called marriage

I accidentally back the car into a baby carriage

'scuse me ma'am I'd love to stay and chat

but watch where you're going next time you old bat

I hit the gas and zoom down the block

leave 'er in the dust yellin' for the cops

swervin' round a corner tryin' to steer

I get so excited I almost spill my beer

a neighbourhood dog is yappin' at my bumper

so I slam on the brakes and I hear a big thump

I jump the curb and land up on a lawn

then I finish my beer and turn the radio on

some idiot's goin' on about rehab

I grab a brew and yank on the pull tab

here comes a little old lady with a shot gun

I put the pedal to the metal and she runs

digging on my off-road driving power

I do a donut in a bed of flowers

then I jerk the wheel a little to hard

the car rolls over and over on out of the yard

(Causin' much destruction)

(Act the fool)

I come to rest in the middle of the street

a bunch of empty beer cans rattlin' at my feet

starin' in the window is a nosy little brat

I look him in the eyes and say "I meant to do that"

then I notice my watch says I'm overdue

for my big appointment at the local drive through

I do a number on the accelerator

and I'm cuttin' in line about thirty seconds later

whaddya think this is?

some kinda joke?

gimme 10 Big Macs and a small diet coke

I pull up to the window with my radio playin'

I grab the bag and leave without payin'

I weave down the road for a block

jugglin' a beer and a a styrofoam box

pull into a parking lot and kill the motor

presently I notice a peculiar odour

a little black smoke is risin' from the hood

somethings gonna happen and it's probably not good

I open the door grab my stuff and go

just in time to watch the whole thing blow

the car explodes with a bang and a hiss

Oh boy, my wife is gonna really like this

I can't believe this is happenin' to me

this piece of junk's goin' back to the factory

this was a blatant attempt on my life

everyone will fall for that

except my wife

but wait a plan begins to emerge

I suddenly have an overwhelming urge

to spend the night in the great outdoors

my suburban lifestyle has become a bore

I'll build me a fire

and finish my burgers

what my wife don't know

won't hurt her

I leave the scene of the unhappy event

resolved to make the most of my predicament

a few yards away I feel better

I know! I'll write 'er a letter

or better yet a ransom demand

got your husband send the money understand?

or else we'll send his head home in a jar

P.S.

sorry 'bout the car

Yeah, now that ought to really do the trick

I'll be gettin' off the hook and she'll be worried sick

but really, I'm gonna make it up to you honey

I'll buy you a new car with your own damned money

I walk a while into the sunset

a man, at peace with the world, you bet

nothing can diminish my total enjoyment

except when I pass my place of employment

Damn I hate this job

to work in this dump you gotta be a snob

everybody gets on my nerves in this place

I think I'll take the afternoon off

from the rat race

(Hard like a criminal)