Granny's Advice

I’ll tell you of my granny dear, all warm and sweet and fair

With sparkling eyes like diamonds, and silv’ry locks of hair

But underneath her sweetness, she hid a vixen’s heart

And so it was, from time to time, her wisdom she’d impart

When I was but a little girl, my granny came to me

She taught me ‘bout the spot between my stomach and my knee

She told me where to touch and said to practice every night

'Cause no man on earth would ever take the time to do it right!

Our granny was so nice, she knew just what to do

She gave us good advice ‘bout the man in her canoe

By the time that I was eight I knew just how to masturbate

She’s our granny, we’ll always love her so

Now cleanin’ was a chore that seemed to always take all day

I rushed to finish up the job and rub the dust away

While wiping down some bottles, my granny gave a sigh

Said: If you stroke your man like that, you’ll get it in your eye

Our granny was so nice, knew how to do the job

She gave us good advice, loved to polish up that knob

She said: Lass, just scrub it in, because it’s lovely for your skin

She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so

To say I was a chatterbox would only be too kind

The talkin’ caused the boys to run and leave me far behind

But granny told me, “dearest girl, men find you such a bore

'Cause talkin’ isn’t what you should be usin’ your mouth for

Our granny was so nice, that woman was a tease

She gave us good advice, bent down right down on her knees

My reputation’s growin’ from the men that I’ve been blowin'

She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so

The evenin’ of my wedding day, I ran up with surprise

When my husband dropped his trousers and showed his ample size

I went and told my granny dear just why I had to run

Get out’ the way, my dear, she said: I’ll show ya how it’s done

Our granny is so nice, she’s the woman we adore

She gave us good advice, but my God, she’s such a whore!

Her husbands often left ‘cause granny screwed ‘em half to death

But she’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so

And then there came the day when granny fell so deathly ill

She pulled us very close, her final wisdom to instill

And with what was her final breath, she whispered with a groan

To keep your sweet and true, give him another hole to bone

(Spoken) that costs extra

(Spoken) but not with me!

Our granny was so nice, she’d teach old dogs new tricks

She gave us good advice, such as where to hide their sticks

Our granny never ‘waried about whether folks got married

She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so

Yes, she’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so