Uncle Earl's Hairpiece

Once I was eaten by a man-eating great white shark

Once I was crushed by an anvil when it fell from the sky

Once an old man in a wicker chair smote me with his mind powers

Once I leapt off a cliff when I thought I could fly

But of all the things that happened, being shot or boiled in hot grease

Yeah, of all the things that happened

They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's hairpiece

Once I was pursued across the Bering Strait by mafiosa eskimos

I had two tons of uranium surgically embedded in my head

I was chewed upon by hungry kittens of a rare Siberian white tiger

Scary guys from Fiji made me use a hot volcano for my bed

But of all the things that happened, being stoned or insulted by my niece

Yeah of all the things that happened

They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's hairpiece

Uncle Earl is not known for his hygiene

Oooh Chaka Khan

He has the aroma of old cod

Zeegan za Fleegan

He's perfected perfuse perspiration

Sweaty uncle! Bleah bleah!

Believe me his flavor's very odd

Once I was trampled by a crazed mob of teenage girls

I found myself on the business end of Genghis Khan's wrath

My innards were consumed by a virulent alien bacteria

My poor brain was pureed when I tried to do math

But of all the things that happened, licking feet or chewing on fleece

Yeah of all the things that happened

They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's hairpiece

Once I was blindsided by a hurricane and carried off to fairyland

I spent six long years employed as a dummy that they used for crashing cars

I was slowly stalked and taken out by poorly wardrobed culinary ninjas

I was punished for my jokes and exiled to the darker side of Mars

But of all the things that happened, being gonged or mistaken by Maurice

Yeah of all the things that happened

They can't be as bad as the time I ate my Uncle Earl's hairpiece

It was sitting on the kitchen table

I mistook it for a corn soufflé

I had eaten nearly seven-twelfths of that wretched thing

Before I realized my mistake!

Looks like hair

Feels like hair

Tastes like hair

Not real hair

I don't wanna eat hair