Bigger

Hi, uh, I'm Neil

I wouldn't be here if someone else hadn't passed on hosting, so special thanks to Shia LaBeouf for this opportunity.

I can break your heart with a work of art

and a song that's quiet and small

but we're back where we began it all

Radio City Music Hall

So tonight we might go bigger

That's right it's bigger

It's Broadway's greatest night and we're raring to go

Let's make it bigger, tonight it's bigger

Who will take home a Tony statue we don't know

I guarantee a truly legendary show

The season's new recruits includes the cast of Kinky Boots

You know they're beautiful and buff as Navy Seals

And you can bounce a quarter off the ass of Billy Porter

Lord, he does 8 shows a week in eight inch heels

Hats off to Berry Gordy, he runs Motown like a boss

He dominates Top 40 and banged Diana Ross

He wrote his own libretto, which is really kind of ballin'

He took every Motown classic and he said 'I'll put em all in.'

Make it bigger, that's right it's bigger

I just learned this dance like half an hour ago

We're going bigger, like so much bigger

You ever seen so many divas in a row? (Hell no)

Well stick with me cause your MC's a seasoned pro (go Neil Go!)

It's Pippin! Never slippin, always flippin' from their corner of the sky

But the sky is overcrowded with this oh so highly touted

Cast of singing circus people flying by

The cast of Bring It On had count em thirty-two debuts

Hey, kids, welcome to Broadway, forget your Union dues

In tandem like we planned em, forgive me if it's random

But Mike Tyson had a one man show, let's give the man a hand

And make things bigger (Tyson: It's bigger!) That's right it's bigger

I'm here with Iron Mike, he's a heavyweight, yo

We're going bigger, the night is bigger

We've got cheerleaders, contortionists and so

Don't change the channel to our show (go, Neil, Go!)

The magical Matilda stole the show and nearly killed us

So they got a special Tony of their own

This strikes at the achilles of the jaded former Billys

They get Tony's but they're fired when the're grown

Now here's the kids from Christmas Story, Annie, and her orphans.

So many child actors high on Red Bull and endorphins.

They barely come up to your knees, but God they're singing like MVPs

And they're the reason this whole season seems to look like Chuck E. Cheese

And geez it's bigger, that's right it's bigger

Is there a Tony day care where all of you go?

You're getting bigger, the night is bigger.

Do your parents set aside your Broadway dough? (heck, No)

When I played Doogie, never mind on with the show (go, Neil, Go!)

Oh, Broadway's where famous people go

But being famous doesn't mean that you will get a good review

So, Alec write Ben Brantley if you want

That's entertaining too

We've got magic to do

Bigger, that's right it's bigger

I'm walking down the aisle with some Newsies in tow

You know it's bigger, so much bigger

if there's a Newsie you prefer just let me know

You'll get a Newsie in your gift bag when you go

Spoken:

That's true, there's like 150 of those punks

Oh wait, check this out

Can I have my Tom Hooper Les Mis close-up, please?

See, on Broadway we don't need extreme close-ups to prove we're singing live

We sing live eight shows a week, check it!

Rapped:

At the end of the day we are gathered together to honor the best and the brightest

And the tomorrow the fashion police will report on your dress and who wore it the tightest

If you win have the time of your life tell your manager, Dad, and your Mom thanks

Hi to you kids and your husband or wife, maybe just for the hell of it, Tom Hanks

Nothing is bigger and better than seeing a veteran get an ovation.

Or seeing a brilliant beginner freak out when a win on their first nomination.

There's a kid in the middle of nowhere who's sitting and living for Tony performances

Singing and flipping along with the Pippins and Wiggits and Kinkys, Matildas and Mormons-es.

So we might reassure that kid

And do something to spur that kid

Cause I promise you all of us up here tonight

We were that kid and now:

We're bigger, tonight it's bigger

So let's create the biggest spectacle we know

Come see the super sexy Cinderellas, sisters celebrating

Ladies, grab a fellow, the tempo is accelerating

Spidey, Pippin, Motown bands, and Kinky Rock Of Ages

Chicago, Bring It On, and Christmas Story sharing stages

Mamma Mia, Lion King, the Jersey Boys are tappin'

Kathy Lee's a Broadway lyricist, so anything can happen

Bigger! New York is Bigger

So welcome to our bigger, better, best of Broadway Tony show