A Letter For Zach

I still remember the hotel room where I sat, fleeing the hand that gripped you

I gave you words, they were inadequate

Couldn't admit that I abandoned you

My fear grew, ever stronger

My delusion cast about me

A blanket to my conscious mind

My paradise lies in blankets and smoke

Remember when we were all smiles

Blind to reality

I sat with eyes closed for awhile

As if days don't turn to months

Except, I forgot it ends like this

Blue veins, cracked upon a pale surface

Did you smile one last time, as you closed your eyes?

Because, I don't want to close my eyes anymore

I want to be whole again, how the fuck do I get there?

I've lost what it means to be a person

Haven't been reading enough to know the right words, so I keep mine to myself

Just thought I'd take this chance, say I'm sorry

So one more cigarette, one more breath in between

One more drink, one more hit, hopefully take the breath out of me

Counting seconds to minutes as you slip away

You were going to be someone

We all knew that I was supposed to be the one found on a cold tile floor

The vibrance of your being seemed so foreign as you lay there

I still keep the card Scott gave me in my pocket so I never leave your side again

Each day, I find myself asking what would have been if I was there?

Again, I should have never been there in the first place