Please Hello

American admiral

(enters bearing documents and a plaque)

Please hello, america back,

Commodore perry send hello.

Also comes memorial plaque

President fillmore wish bestow.

Emperor read our letter? if no,

Commodore perry very sad.

Emperor like our letter? if so,

Commodore perry very merry,

President fillmore still more glad.

Last time we visit, too short.

This time we visit for slow.

Last time we come, come with warships,

Now with more ships -

Say hello!

This time request use of port,

Port for commercial intention,

Harbor with ample dimension.

Abe

But you can't -

American admiral

Only one

Little port

For a freighter.

Abe

But you can't -

American admiral

Just for fun,

Be a sport.

Abe

Maybe later -

American admiral

But we bring many recent invention:

Kerosene

And cement

And a grain

Elevator,

A machine

You can rent

Called a "train" -

Abe

- maybe later -

American admiral

- also cannon to shoot

Big loud salute,

Like so:

(explosion)

Say hello!

(explosion. abe takes pen and signs document.)

Treaty meet approval? if no,

Commodore perry very fierce.

Disregard confusion below:

President fillmore now named pierce.

Good! at last agreement is made,

Letter will let us come again.

First result of mutual trade:

Commodore getting letter letting,

Councillor getting fancy pen!

Goodbye.

(bows; abe bows back.)

Goodbye.

Abe

Goodbye.

(bows; admiral bows back.)

American admiral

Goodbye.

Abe

Goodbye.

American admiral

Please goodbye.

(bows; abe bows back.)

British admiral

(appearing suddenly)

Hello!

American admiral

(to abe)

Goodbye.

(bows; the british admiral bows in greeting; abe is confused, bows halfway between them.)

British admiral

Hello, please!

American admiral

Goodbye.

(all three bow again.)

British admiral

Please

Hello, i come with letters from her majesty victoria

Who, learning how you're trading now, sang "hallelujah, gloria!"

And sent me to convey to you her positive euphoria

As well as little gifts from britain's various emporia.

(offers a tin of tea to abe)

Abe

Tea?

British admiral

For drink.

Abe

I see.

I thank you

British admiral

I think

Her letters do contain a few proposals to your emperor

Which if, of course, he won't endorse, will put in her in a temper or,

More happily, should he agree, will serve to keep her placid, or

At least till i am followed by a permanent ambassador.

Reciter

A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador.

A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador.

A treaty port and, from the court, a permanent ambassador

And more.

British admiral

Her majesty considers the arrangements to be tentative

Until we ship a proper diplomatic representative.

We don't foresee that you will be the least bit argumentative,

So please ignore the man-of-war we brought as a preventative.

(explosion)

Reciter

Yes, please ignore the man-of-war

That's anchored rather near the shore,

It's nothing but a metaphor

That acts as a preventative.

(explosion)

British admiral

All clear?

Just so.

Sign here.

American admiral

Hello, hello, objection resent!

President pierce say "moment's pause."

British get ambassador sent,

President pierce get extra clause.

Dutch admiral

(appearing suddenly)

Wait! please hello!

Don't forget the dutch!

Like to keep in touch!

Thank you very much!

Tell them to go,

Button up the lips.

What do little nips

Want with battleships?

Hold everything!

We gonna bring

Chocolate!

Wouldn' you like to lease

A beautiful little piece

Of chocolate?

Listen, that's not to mention

Wonderful - pay attention! -

Windmills

Und tulips,

(gives abe a tulip)

Und wouldn' you like a wooden shoe?

(gives abe documents)

There - can you read?

Good! we will need

Two ports,

One of them not to rocky

How about nagasaki?

Two ports,

One of them for the cocoa

What do you call it? - yoko

Hama! ja!

Und nagasaki! ja!

Sign here!

(dances, making semaphore signals to the sea. another explosion.)

American admiral

Wait please, objection again!

Dutch getting to many seaports.

President now wanting three ports

British admiral

Great britain wishes her position clear and indisputable:

We're not amused at being used and therefore stand immutable.

And though you japs are foxy chaps and damnably inscrutable -

Russian admiral

(appearing suddenly)

Please hello …

Dutch admiral

Wait please hello!

Comes the monkey wrench!

Smell that awful stench:

Probably the french.

American admiral

- also insist giving free ports -

British admiral

- reviewing it from where we sit, the facts are irrefutable -

Russian admiral

Please hello …

Dutch admiral

Ach, nein, of course,

My mistake, the czar.

Smell the caviar -

Leave the door ajar.

American admiral

- also want annual reports -

British admiral

- and thus, in short, a single port is patently unsuitable!

Russian admiral

Please hello,

Is bringing czar's request,

Braving snow

With letter to protest:

Since we know

You trading with the west,

You might at least

(don't touch the coat!)

Start looking east -

(thinking about it)

- or closer west -

(thinking again)

- well, farther north -

(looking around)

Are we the fourth?

I feel depressed.

(don't touch the coat!)

Coming next

Is extraterritoriality.

Noting text

Say "extraterritoriality."

You perplexed

By "extraterritoriality"?

(points)

Just noting clause

(don't touch the coat!)

Which say your laws

Do not apply

(don't touch the coat!)

When we drop by -

Not getting shot,

No matter what:

A minor scrape,

A major rape,

And we escape

(don't touch the cape!)

That's what is extraterritoriality.

Fair is fair -

You wish to vote?

What we care

You liking what we wrote?

(points to sea)

Sitting there

Is finest fleet afloat.

Observing boat?

(explosion)

Don't touch the coat.

(explosion)

Just sign the note.

British admiral

The british feel these latest dealings verge on immorality.

The element of precedent imperils our neutrality.

We're rather vexed, your giving extraterritoriality.

We must insist you offer this to every nationality!

Dutch admiral

We want the same

What the russkies claim!

Why you let them came?

Dirty rotten shame!

American admiral

U.s.a. extremely upset!

President pierce say solid "no!"

French admiral

(appearing suddenly)

'allo! -

Please 'allo!

Please 'allo!

'allo! 'allo! 'allo!

(blows them all a kiss)

I bring word, i bring word

From napoleon ze third.

'e 'ad 'eard what 'ave occured 'ere

From ze little bird!

Undeterred, we conferred,

Though we felt zat we'd been slurred

And ze verdict was he spurred

Me 'ere to bring ze word!

Would you like to know ze word

From napoleon ze third?

(shoves bundle of papers at abe)

It's détente! oui, détente!

Zat's ze only thing we want!

Just détente! oooh, détente!

No agreement could be more fair!

Signing pacts, passing acts,

Zere's no time for making warfare

When you're always busy making wiz ze

Mutual détente!

(blows another kiss)

A détente! a détente

Is ze only thing we wish!

Same as zem, except additional

Ze rights to fish!

You'll be paid, you'll be paid

And we'll 'ave ze big parade

If we somehow can persuade

You to accept our aid.

(gestures to the sea - tiny explosion)

It is not to be afraid …

(another one)

As we merely wish to trade …

(the biggest explosion yet)

A détente! oui, détente!

Zat's ze only thing we want!

Leave ze grain, leave ze train,

Put champagne among your imports!

Tell each man zat japan

Can't be bothered giving him ports

While she's in a tizzy,

Dizzy wiz ze

Mutual détente!

Abe

It is late,

And i fear -

Well, you see,

There's a famine …

Could you wait

For a year?

We'll agree to

Examine

It

French admiral

A détente! a détente!

Zat's ze only thing we want!

(everybody sings simultaneously, squabbling with each other.)

Abe

(to each in turn)

- but lat-

Er, i fear.

There's a drought

And a famine …

If you wait

For a year,

Then no doubt

We'll examine

It, but we've

Had a quake

And a flood

And a famine …

Please believe

We will take

It to stud-

Y, examine

It, but please,

If you'll wait

For a year …

There's a famine …

French admiral

Just détente! oooh, détente!

No agreement could be more fair!

Signing pacts, passing acts,

Zere's no time for making warfare.

Why discuss, make ze fuss,

Since ze west belongs to us?

And ze east we have leased for ze french administration.

If you want force in ze norce,

Zen we burn ze dutch legation.

Dutch admiral

Wait please hello!

Don't forget the dutch!

We want just as much

Fishing rights and such!

Tell them to go,

Otherwise we post

Battleships at most

Ports along the coast.

You can have the west,

We will take the rest.

British admiral

One moment, please, i think that these assure us exclusivity

For western ports and other sorts of maritime activity,

And if you mean to intervene, as is the dutch proclivity,

We'll blow you nits to little bits, with suitable festivity.

American admiral

Wait please, hello, west is ours.

Wait please, the east is the best coast.

We'll trade you two on the west coast.

Russian admiral

Please hello, no seaports on the west.

United states too near to czar,

Is tempting fates, is go too far -

(don't touch the coat!)

All the admirals

Ah, détentes! ah, détentes!

They're what everybody wants!

You should want a détente -

Makes a nation like a brother!

We'll be here every year

To protect you from each other

And to see you aren't

Signing foreign

Treaties and détentes!

Please hello! we must go,

But our intercourse will grow

Through détente, as détente

Brings complete cooperation.

By the way, we must say

We adore your little nation,

And with heavy cannon

Wish you an un-

Ending please hello!!!