Seven-Inch Cowboy

I'm a seven-inch cowboy

With a tiny pair of six guns.

Five'll get you ten,

I betcha never seen one.

Well I'm a seven inch cowboy

How do you be?

And I'm used to people gawking and a-staring at me

But I wasn't always so gol-darned wee

Let me tell you my story,

You can listen for free.

For seven long years,

Now that's a year for every inch I stand

I've traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land

Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop

I'm at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top.

I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me

And every town I come to's like a terrible dream

The other cowboys mocked me and spit tobacco like meteors

Watching me dodge 'em and laughing at my small squeaky scream

I went to a saloon to get a drink

They wouldn't serve me

They stuffed me in a glass and slid me up and down the bar

And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me

They sang a song both cold and mean

'Cause that's how women are,

They sang,

"A man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire

Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere.

Drive a brand new car, be a movie star

Size is all that counts, and there you are."

And I'm a seven-inch cowboy

With a tiny pair of six guns

Five'll get you ten

I bet you never seen one

(Yodeling)

Now as you can imagine, I'd grown pretty bitter

(Although that's the only way in which I had grown)

And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor,

The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend I'd ever known.

The mad Professor Mentley was his name and I drew near

I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear

I held my little pistols up and I told 'im, "Look a-here!

You made me this way, it's time you pay, you gol-darned queer!"

And the professor said, "Wait! Wait!

Now you know me, and I know you

And you know that strange experiments are just what I do

It's less like a pastime and more like a job

Why if I didn't do it, I'd be an unemployed slob

Now I know that won't suffice if I'm to set you at ease

But I'm thinking as fast as I can for a man who's down on his knees

And just this passing moment I had a thought, here's what I thunk, I thought,

'Where would you be today if you hadn't've shrunk?'

Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin

Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin

Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men,

Nothing to set you apart nor would there ever have been

Then I came along, yes ME, Professor Mentley!

I gave you a gift! (though you weren't grateful evidently)

I plucked you from your average status, I made you unique

You're a seven-inch cowboy, not a six foot freak.

From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you

Nations will bow and throw their riches before you

You'll be diminutive in stature, but a titan inside

Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side."

Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared

And I wondered if perhaps he only said 'em 'cause he was scared

My guns were weighin' heavy in my hands, my heart was low

When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow:

Well my pop told me it don't matter where a fella goes

You can sail through icy straights and misty archipelagoes.

Travel to the moon, orbit every star

Size don't really count and there you are.

And I'm a seven-inch cowboy (seven inches tall)

With a tiny pair of six guns (That's mighty damn small)

Five'll get you ten (For all you bettin' men)

You'll never see another one (yeah!)

I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway

There's never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say

Well, I've thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb

Now I say Hollywood (Hollywood!), Hollywood (Hollywood!)

Hollywood here I come!