Polly Want A Crackup

Okay Doc, what's it this time - the couch or the chair?

I'll take either, what do I care?

These sessions don't seem to be working too well

If you're prying into my childhood, I got nothing to tell

How many parrots have you treated this way?

I need some serious help, Doc, and I'm here to say

If I don't get relief soon we're talking serious breakdown

I can't take another day in this cage as a clown

I'm living in this joint now for almost three years

This little old guy is driving me to tears

It's "Polly this" and "Polly that"

Hey, I'm a male bird so he should cut that crap, babe

He carries on with these gushy words

Like, "How's my sweetie" - "how's pretty bird?"

No wonder I'm schizo living like that

I'd like to knock him right on his prat

I pace the cage all day, can't sleep at night

He covers my cage, man what a fright

The only relief is when he heads for the store

Then I get even by spitting seeds on the floor

"How's my sweetie, how's pretty bird?"

The ugliest words I've ever heard

Day in, day out, this drivel goes on

Can't stand it, Doc, I'm going ding dong babe

And another thing, Doc, that food I get?

It's always moldy and mostly wet

The old skin flint is too cheap to buy

A decent kernel of barley or rye

He feeds me these seeds that he reads birds should eat

If I repeat his cuss words I might get a treat

A salted cracker, that's what he thinks is so neat

One more "Polly want a cracker" and he's dead meat, babe

Doc, help me here, you're not saying a word

This is too much talking for this feathered bird

I need some answers, not a knowing smile

I'm coming unglued and you say, "Stay a while"

It's him or me, Doc, there's no other way

There is no politically correct way to say

I've had it, and I can't take it anymore

One more "pretty bird" and I crap on his floor, babe

Get this, Doc, he pulls feathers from my tail

Sticks them in his hat and laughs when I wail

It's humiliating, Doc, and downright rude

He definitely needs sensitivity training, not to be crude

Well, I see my time's up, so I'll give it a rest

I'll come back Tuesday and tell you the best

I haven't mentioned his flea-bitten dog

His bark reminds me of a squealing hog

So long Doc, just mail me the bill

I've got Medicare, ain't that a thrill?

You should be thankful you're gonna get paid

I'm headed back to that tyrant, I'm afraid