Arm's Length

I don’t think I have the energy

To make it out of my bed today

It’s not even a bed

I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress

With a hole for almost three months

Sometimes when I can’t sleep

I can feel the space I’ve put between

The only people I’d risk everything for

But if they’d whisper at my door

I’d probably hide under the sheets

I'm in a group chat

With 21 God-damn people

I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not

My phone crashes 37 times a day

But it’s nice to have friends

Sometimes it’s nice to be left on read (wait, no, it’s not)

I think I'm taking things too personally

When did I get so sensitive?

I don’t think I wanna waste my day

Replaying all my past mistakes

It’s a funny thing

Selective memory, flipping through the casualties

If you don’t cancel on the count of three

It won’t be looking too hot for me

I'm on damage control, got better parts to this whole

I just haven’t left this room in I don’t know how many weeks

I work a job where

I swear to God they’re setting a timer

When I take a bathroom break

And I'm barely scraping minimum wage and

The things they have the audacity to ask of me

Better catch up with them eventually

Oh, I'm begging please

Let it catch them eventually

I don’t think you wanna challenge me

Like you tried to yesterday

But I can’t even pretend

I considered every single word you said

From beginning to end

And it’s a sensitive subject

And you can act like you think you’re so above it

But I’ve got a foolproof plan and a prescription in hand

And you can call it what you want, you’ll never be my referee

It’s my last night in the city that taught me I'm an extrovert

And here I am, spending it alone

Laying on a carpet floor, staring at a wall

Listing off all of the places I would rather be

And it’s my fault, I did this to myself

I crawled into a hole for six months

Then came creeping back out

Expecting everything to be the same

And I dug this pit, and you enabled it

So I guess I’ll, I’ll disappear again

200 miles west this time

I’ll get a job and make some fake friends and I’ll be fine

Just like the last time, just like the last time

Arm’s length, arm’s length this time

Arm’s length, it’s safer that way