Loathe thy Neighbor

Picture an elderly lady peeking through her blinds

You wave her a friendly hello while she glares with judging eyes

Her glasses held by chains on pointy 1960s frames

They help her see your faults as she's squinting with disdain

A retired English teacher with an overwhelming fragrance

Still alive, too stubborn to die, and death don't have the patience

She has more cats than children by an order of magnitude

And whenever she loses at bingo, she takes it out on you

Oh, hello

Good afternoon Ms. Bendersnatch, I really like your dress

Wonderful weather we're having today, isn't it?

Calls the cops on her rotary phone

Every time you try to mow the lawn

Close your blinds, lock your doors (evil wench)

I mind my business, now you mind yours (nosy bitch)

Keep to yourself and stay off my grass (cranky hag)

Now get off my porch and get off my ass (yeah)

Get off my ass, go back inside

Stay in your home, leave me alone

Imagine a jerk in his 40s

In front of the broke down house that he rents

Not all that bright, chugging natural light

Flicking cigarette butts over your fence

Screaming all day at his beat up truck

That he always fails to repair

More stains on his shirt than teeth in his mouth

And he doesn't seem to care

A former high school quarterback

With delusions of long past glory

Blasts 80s crap from his Pontiac

As he tells you his whole life story

He parks and blocks my driveway

Then dumps his cup of tobacco spit

Setting fireworks off after midnight?

I'm about to lose my shhhh-temper

Hey man, can I borrow your weed-whacker?

I got piss-drunk last night, woke up this morning

And for some reason mine's on the dang roof

Mows his lawn at 2 AM (I shit you not)

He likes me but I hate him

Deadbeat Dad, he doesn't pay child support

He looks like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force (hehehe)

Close your blinds, lock your doors (fucking hick)

I mind my business now you mind yours (stupid douche)

Keep to yourself and stay off my grass (eat a dick)

Now get off my porch and get off my ass

Get off my ass, go back inside

Stay in your home, leave me alone

Hello, who's unsightly trailer is this? It must be removed

Well, it's OUR trailer in OUR driveway

It diminishes property value of this prestigious community and will not be tolerated

Dude, uh, sir, this lady's cat shits in our flower-bed, this guy flicks cigarette on our lawn and YOU'RE worried about a trailer

Next you're gonna complain about our bird house

Ahhh, thank you for bringing this matter to our attention

Your inferior birdhouse isn't properly sunk

You have brought forth the full discontent of the Home Owners Association Socialist Party

The birdhouse will have to be eliminated

We all hate the HOA

All the homes, they look the same

The mortgage states the house belongs to me

You need to chill the fuck out

And get off of my property

Quit changing the channel on my television set, I know it was you

I saw you through my blinds

Shut up!

Some are so friendly, but some of them are enemies

Makes me neurotic and keeps me on guard

Battling those neighbors with tolerant diplomacy

Tempts me to empty my bleach on their yard

I pour bleach on your yard

I spelled bitch on your lawn

That's right, fuck your grass

Loathe thy neighbor

I can't nap with that mowing racket day and night