Press Conference

[RACHEL]

Hello

Thank you all for coming out today

At this time, I will be holding my weekly press conference

For the negative voices inside my head

First question

Yes, you?

[DANNY]

Hi, Danny Giles, negative voice, Whoop-Dee-Doo Times

Uh, what makes you think you're so special? Whoop dee doo

[RACHEL]

Uh, I actually don't think I'm special

Next question

[KEITH]

Keith Willard, negative voice, Nagging Fears Bugle

Um, who the fuck do you think you're kidding?

[RACHEL]

You know, I actually feel really good about myself

I have a new album coming out, so yeah, I've met a lot of goals this year

[KEITH]

Follow-up question

What do you think 13-year-old you would say

If she knew that instead of doing Shakespeare in the Park

She's making songs about dicks?

[RACHEL]

I think she'd be really proud of me

Next question

[JACK]

Jack Dolgen, Weight Weekly

Can you confirm rumors from the stomach that all you've eaten today is frosting?

[RACHEL]

No comment

[KEITH]

Can you confirm rumors from the clitoris

That today you've masturbated four times

To the mere thought of a billboard you thought you saw for Hot in Cleveland?

[RACHEL]

Wendie Malick is like a fine wine, not my fault

Next question

[MOTHER]

Rachel, this is your mother with the Disappointing Daughter Sunday Times Magazine

Do you really think you'll ever measure up to your sister

And her award-winning chicken restaurant?

[FATHER]

This is your father with the Why the Fuck Are You So Fat Tribune

Why the fuck are you so fat?

[RACHEL]

I don't know why I'm so fat, Dad!

[GOBBLER SPECIAL]

Rachel, this is the Gobbler Special

The dish at your sister's restaurant that Zagat called, and I quote

The best piece of chicken I have ever tasted

[RACHEL]

Yes?

[GOBBLER SPECIAL]

You're a whore