Late December

I still remember that night, sitting in silence, hoping

But I already knew that you were gone

Confirmation stabbed in me, cracking out until all parts of me collapsed

And any semblance of hope turned to ash

I can't count how many times I thought of following you

Almost wishing each new wave of agony

Would finally push me to the end

I know that you'll never hear the message I left

But I still wish we could exchange words and laughs

One more time

Or that I could even hear your voice, your breath responding to mine

There are so many things I wish I could say in that moment

Or the last time that we spoke

When I was really the last voice that you heard on this Earth

No one asked why we all saw the pain in your eyes that you tried to hide with a smile

It was such a beautiful smile

We never

Never believed in heaven

But I still

Hope you are in that house by the beach

No, no more

Pain in this life

You can rest now

But I miss you

They said you looked so peaceful

And I don’t know if I wish I could have seen you like that

No struggle, no pain, you’re unchained from this earth

But all I can picture in my mind is an angel in the rope

I'm so sorry that I couldn't help you

I wanted you to be free from the tangled thorns

I want to go back, back to a time

When our hearts beat as one

In the end I can't accept

That I'm still here and you're not